It is only noon, and already this is a tough day for me. I always refer to infertility as being on a rollercoaster - well, I am at the bottom of the hill right now.
First off... I am a big "sign" person. I feel that God uses signs (as well as other people) to communicate to us. A lot of the time I don't realize that I even got a sign until afterwards and I look back and can see - ooh so that's what God was trying to tell me.
So, when I am praying about a child, I deep down hope that God will give me a sign (an obvious one!) just to show me that everything will work out. That I will get pregnant with a healthy baby. That I deserve it. That it will happen. So far, I haven't gotten this. -BUT on the flip side, I haven't gotten a sign that it won't happen.
Today in church we had a wonderful service! Our choir sang some Christmas songs that really touched me. One of the songs was a solo, O Holy Night. On the screen there were pictures of a baby (Jesus) in the manger. There were close ups of the sweet baby toes, and sweet baby hands... I fought back tears. Then the preacher started his sermon. Among other things, he said that in a way God adopted us. We are His children. This was a segway for the preacher to start talking about a couple in church (we will call her A and him B) that adopted a baby girl from China a few months ago. I know them, so I know their story (basically couldn't get pregnant, felt led to adopt, 6 years later brought home this sweet baby girl). A is a singer, so she got up to sing and on the screen were shots of them traveling to China and bringing home their sweet baby.
I lost it. Right there in church. Was God trying to tell me to adopt??? In my Sunday school class we were talking about how to listen to God. So when I got home (the Mr. had to go to a work meeting, so I am by myself) I got on my knees and just prayed. And then I just sat and listened. I felt like I was supposed to look at Psalms 116. The beginning, "I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy." And then later "Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you."
It made me feel better. I still feel like I don't have an answer. But sometimes our answer is WAIT. In the meantime I am trying to really be open to what God wants me to do. I honestly haven't let myself consider adoption yet.
Thanks for letting me ramble- it helps to put thoughts out in writing.