Sunday, December 13, 2009


It is only noon, and already this is a tough day for me. I always refer to infertility as being on a rollercoaster - well, I am at the bottom of the hill right now.

First off... I am a big "sign" person. I feel that God uses signs (as well as other people) to communicate to us. A lot of the time I don't realize that I even got a sign until afterwards and I look back and can see - ooh so that's what God was trying to tell me.

So, when I am praying about a child, I deep down hope that God will give me a sign (an obvious one!) just to show me that everything will work out. That I will get pregnant with a healthy baby. That I deserve it. That it will happen. So far, I haven't gotten this. -BUT on the flip side, I haven't gotten a sign that it won't happen.

Today in church we had a wonderful service! Our choir sang some Christmas songs that really touched me. One of the songs was a solo, O Holy Night. On the screen there were pictures of a baby (Jesus) in the manger. There were close ups of the sweet baby toes, and sweet baby hands... I fought back tears. Then the preacher started his sermon. Among other things, he said that in a way God adopted us. We are His children. This was a segway for the preacher to start talking about a couple in church (we will call her A and him B) that adopted a baby girl from China a few months ago. I know them, so I know their story (basically couldn't get pregnant, felt led to adopt, 6 years later brought home this sweet baby girl). A is a singer, so she got up to sing and on the screen were shots of them traveling to China and bringing home their sweet baby.

I lost it. Right there in church. Was God trying to tell me to adopt??? In my Sunday school class we were talking about how to listen to God. So when I got home (the Mr. had to go to a work meeting, so I am by myself) I got on my knees and just prayed. And then I just sat and listened. I felt like I was supposed to look at Psalms 116. The beginning, "I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy." And then later "Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you."

It made me feel better. I still feel like I don't have an answer. But sometimes our answer is WAIT. In the meantime I am trying to really be open to what God wants me to do. I honestly haven't let myself consider adoption yet.

Thanks for letting me ramble- it helps to put thoughts out in writing.


  1. Praying for you! Sometimes it's so hard to know what path God wants us to go down, especially if it's towards something that we don't feel ready for yet. I know He has great plans for you and your future family!

  2. I keep looking for a sign as well. Something that will just tell me that this journey will end up ok and it won't be for nothing.

  3. It's great that you are so in tune with the spirit to know that the Lord hears your prayers and that He wants you to continue to wait patiently. Sometimes, the answer we get isn't always the answer we want, but we need to conintue to have faith.