Sunday, November 29, 2009

Day one

Thanks for the support and sweet comments ladies!

I am now officially cycle day 1. Soon after I posted the last post I started packing to get ready to make the 8 hour drive back home from visiting the parents. Annnnd..... the cramps started. Full force. I just knew. So that made for an extra fun drive home. I am now on the couch with my heating bag.

I will make an appointment for Tuesday, but everytime I go in for my after-the-two-week-wait- appointment, my follies are always extra large and I have to wait at least a week before I can start another cycle. So.... this would mean I would have to sit December out. The Mr will be going out of town 4 days before me for Christmas, which means a week and a half that we will be out of town. That sucks.

Anyway, I know the good Lord has a plan. I am still throwing this to Him, I definitely can't handle it on my own!

Good luck to you ladies still in your wait out there!!

This is weird

First of all, we had a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving! I absolutely LOVE being around my family!

Second... I am about 11 DPO today. Normally I start my period around 11-12 DPO (I know it seems early, but that's when it happens). I have mentioned that I have felt no symptoms this cycle. Well about 4 days ago my boobs started getting sore. They have stayed this way. I, of course, started hoping that this was it.

Normally when I start my period I get cramps from hell! I am talking close to tears, bent over, heating pad all day, popping Advil type of cramps. So, yesterday I went to the bathroom and saw a light brown. Dangit, I just knew I was going to start. My mom and I went to the mall, and when I got home there was a little more of the brown, but after that, nothing. I have had no cramps either. Isn't this weird?!

I want SOOOOO bad for this cycle to work, but after that episode yesterday my hope has been crushed. Could it still even be possible? I wanted to test today, just to see, but I chickened out. I have to go to the dr. on Tuesday anyway.

Last night I just cried and cried into the Mr's arms. I am so sad that I think this cycle didn't work - I am probably going to have to take a break since the holidays would be in the middle of the next cycle (we will be out of town). And I am so sad to be leaving my family. We really need to move closer!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


Thanks for the comments on the last post! I am in a MUCH better mood today :) - I know my coworkers are thankful for that!

I also know that it is early, and I shouldn't dwell on the lack of symptoms. It is true... I have no idea what is from the medicine and what could be symptoms of a BFP. (Thanks Nicole!) I am feeling heavy in my abdomen. But that's about it. No worries! I am about to go see my family, so that will be a good distraction!

So, I have really been focused on this scripture lately:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

I have mentioned before that I do feel a peace about me with this situation. But I still struggle with the fine line of obsessing and just being conscious of the meds, and what my body is doing/going through. I also have trouble with praying. Do I pray for a child? Do I just pray for God's will? Do I pray and beg for a healthy baby? Do I just pray that I will be content?

I am trying so hard to pray that it is God's will for me to have a healthy baby. And if it is not His will, that I will have peace about it. I like the scripture, because it reminds me not to be anxious. (which we all know is way to easy to do!) And the scripture says "by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving" pray to God. Thanksgiving is coming up, and what better day to remind us of how much we have to be thankful for!! God has not forgot about us! I know I need to be reminded to be thankful for what I DO have, and after that pray for the child I desperately desire.

I will try to get on and blog while I am home. Hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Monday, November 23, 2009

One of those days...

First off, I am not a big drinker. I mean I had my wild fun days in college, but I have changed. A glass of wine every now and then, but nothing more. Let me just say that first :)

Today would be one of those days that I could really use a drink when I got off work! If I wasn't in the two week wait, I would at least get a glass of wine! I mean seriously, I am about to pull my hair out here at work!

I shouldn't be blogging right now (shh don't tell) but I needed to escape, just for a minute! Does anyone else have those days?! And, of course, I would feel like this when I can't have a drink! ha!

Speaking of... like I said in the previous post, I am really not trying to analyze everything BUT (I can't help it!) I am really feeling nothing! I am guessing this didn't work this time. I know it is still early though.

Hope everyone else is having a good day!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

November ICLW!

Okay, I am a little late getting started with ICLW! I feel like I have been so busy lately!

You can see my journey off to the right of my blog. Currently I am in the dreaded two week wait! I did my trigger last Monday, so I am actually about half way finished with the wait! I am really trying to relax and let God do His will. It is oddly reassuring to know that there is nothing that I can do (or not do) that will change God's plan.

So far I have had NO symptoms. I had some cramps on Wednesday- I am assuming that was ovulation. I had a few twinges today, but nothing big. I am trying not to analyze everything! I have been really busy, so it makes the time past faster!

I am going to see my family in N.C. on Tuesday and staying through Sunday. If this cycle didn't work, I expect AF to be here before I leave N.C. I pray that it is God's will for this to be it!! We shall see!!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Pretty sure

I am pretty sure I am:

a) ovulating today


b) just having pains in my abdomen because I did a hardcore ab workout on Sunday, and now I am sore from it.

I am pretty sure it's a. (Honestly, I really have no clue how to tell besides cramps.) I started cramping some last night, and today off and on I've been having cramps. At least something is going on in there! I did have a good workout though - and I am sore! That's why it is hard to tell what is going on :)

I am really making a point this cycle to "Let go, and let God". I am praying so hard that it is God's will for us to conceive this time around! At the same time, if it is not His will, I pray that I will have peace with that. My mind keeps wandering to the "what ifs". And the "have I done everything I cans". It is so hard not to get in that mindset! I found myself thinking - okay we did the deed when we were supposed to... but did I lay on my back for long enough afterwards? (even though I hear mixed comments on if that even matters!) And I caught myself... If this is meant to be, God WILL make this happen. "...with God all things are possible." (Matthew 19:26) If it isn't, then it doesn't matter what I do!

Monday, November 16, 2009


I am triggering tonight! Yay!

I had my doctors appointment this morning. I haven't really been feeling "full" so I didn't think that I would be ready to trigger. On the ultrasound the nurse said I had 5 or 6 follicles around 13/14 mm, and then I had one at 18 mm.

When they called this afternoon (after reviewing bloodwork and talking with the doctor) the nurse told me that my estradiol level was 388, which she said was encouraging. If it were much higher they would be a little worried. That would mean that all of the follicles that were growing would probably mature. Since it was 388 that ment that not all of them were mature. Since I have one at 18, the doctor wants me to go ahead and trigger tonight. If I were to do more of the Menopur, it might cause the other 5 or 6 to mature and therefore cause much worry of having multiples.

Does that make sense to anyone other than me?! :)

The nurse said that the doctor feels okay for me to trigger tonight, but since there is a chance of multiples that it was up to me/us. Obviously I am okay with that!
(sidenote: I feel that all of us doing all the fertility treatments are pretty much aware of multiples)

So... tonight's the night! Yay! Then the dreaded 2ww. But at least Thanksgiving is next week... sooo I will be enjoying time at home with my family! That will for sure take my mind of the wait :)

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Keep on, keepin on

I went back to the RE this morning, and just as I suspected - not too much going on. I think the doctor is scared to bump me up to the 112 IU because he doesn't want me overstimulated. Which is fine, BUT that just means I have to do the shot of 75 IU for longer. Blah.

Oh well though... I only have 4 more days to do the shot and then I go back in Monday morning. Hopefully I can trigger Monday night!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

HSG... done!

First off, thank you so much to those that sent some prayers my way! I was really nervous!! I did get the Mr. to go with me. He said he was more than happy to go, but I kept down-playing it (nah, it's no big deal, it won't last long, don't worry about it). Then this morning I said, okay if you don't care, meet me there.

He was there :) Good thing too - I waited at the hospital for about 2 hours! And, of course, the procedure only lasted, um... 10 minutes tops! I really appreciate you guys being so honest! It was painful! While you are up on that bed it seems like it lasts f o r e v e r but really it was only 5 or 10 minutes that that thing was inserted. The doctor got everything in place, which really hurt, then he said, Okay now we will just get the radiologist in here... I'm like HELLO! Get him NOW!

Results: tubes are all clear! Yay! I kinda figured, but, hey at least I know for sure now. And there is no other abnormalities. I get to go back to the RE in the morning for bloodwork and an ultrasound. Hopefully he will up my Menopur because honestly I feel nothing. I have been doing the 75 IU for the past 6 days and I feel no difference - maybe just a couple days of the 112 IU like last time and I'll be ready to trigger!

I am back at work now. I'm a little crampy. Wish I was home on the couch :) I am just glad to have that over with!!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The pic

Here is a picture, per request :)
I can't wait for it to get here!

Also, if you guys remember - please pray for me tomorrow at noon. That is when I am having the HSG done. Thanks!!

Monday, November 9, 2009

Bedroom suite

This weekend was BEAUTIFUL!!! The Mr. and I went out looking for a new bedroom set... and... we bought one!! I am SOOOO excited! I have wanted one since we got married (over 3 years ago), but finally convinced the Mr. that he wants one too :) It is being delivered later this week.

I have been putting off pushing for one because what if we got pregnant?? Then I would have wanted that money to go to the baby! I try to get us to save save save, because - well, babies are expensive. I realized though that after a year and a half of trying to have a baby, this is not going to happen when I want it to. I am really trying hard to just live for today. God has the perfect plan. If we are supposed to have a baby now, then we will and everything will work out. (money, jobs, life, everything!) I am really trying to just let go and let God. My grandmother used to say that.

Let go, and let God.

It should be my new motto :)

Friday, November 6, 2009

Weekend's here!!

THANK YOU! You ladies are awesome! I really appreciate the comments from my last post! Even though it isn't good news, I really just want the truth :) I feel better about things today. A good friend reminded me, all this is going to be SOO worth it! And she's right!

I agree with some of you guys, I have no clue why my doctor is doing the HSG now instead of at the beginning? But I have heard cases of women becoming pregnant after these because they kind of "cleared the way". I guess the doctor was just trying to get me to ovulate first (?) since I didn't ovulate on the oral meds, and the first cycle with injections I became pregnant - it obviously worked, and now I guess he is just wanting to make sure that everything is okay. So - whatever. I have prayed that God give the doctor wisdom in my situation because I will do what the doctor says.

Last night the Menopur went well. I mean, don't get me wrong, it still sucks, but I did it with ease. Guess I am getting used to it. I am still nervous about the HSG, but I gotta do what I gotta do, right? The Mr. asked if he should come with me? I told him no, but did your husbands go with you? And the nurse said I could come back to work afterwards. I am planning on it, but after hearing some of your comments, I'm not sure I will feel like it.

I am debating on what to tell my boss too. She has no idea that we are going through through this. I would rather not get into that with her though. I work in a really small office, and I just want to keep my personal life out of it. I figured I would just tell her I have a procedure and will be gone a couple hours. I will let her know it's not a big deal, and hopefully she won't press the issue.

Well, TGIF! Soooo happy it's Friday! AND it's supposed to be beautiful outside!
Happy Weekend!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

My new plan

My appointment went well today. Everything was quiet and back to being "normal" size. I asked the nurse what she thought our next step might be... I was inquiring about and IUI. She said she would ask the doctor and see what he thought.

I just got a call on my lunch break. She said that everything looked great and I could go ahead and start 75 IU of the Menopur tonight and continue until next Thursday morning when I have another appointment. She also said that the doctor wants to do a HSG on me.

Is this crazy? I know I have read that many of you ladies have had this done, but normally it seems like it is done at the beginning of the infertility - I am ovulating now so (to me) it seems like my tubes are open. The nurse said that this can be therapeutic even if my tubes are open, like if there is any mucus or anything it can clear out my tubes. The doctor just wants to make sure that everything is flowing, I guess. So I am having this procedure done next Wednesday.

I am really nervous about it! How bad does it hurt??? The nurse said I might feel some "discomfort" but I have read some experiences where it hurt. I have no clue what to expect - the nurse said it is only like a 5 minute procedure.

Then she told me that the doctor said that next cycle (if this one doesn't work) then he wants to try an IUI. So.... that's the plan. I am okay with things. Like I said I am nervous, but I like having plans :)

Please share some wisdom on this procedure with me!!! I think the fact that I know it will probably hurt is making me more nervous! I'm sure it's just a pinch, right??

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow..

Tomorrow is my RE appointment! I am very eager to get this cycle going! It has been 3 weeks since I was last at the doctor! It seems like forever :)

I really hope that everything looks normal and quiet so I can start the injections again tomorrow night. I feel like everything in there is normal! Funny how I am so aware of my body now! The slightest twinge, I feel it, and I have a [self] diagnosis on why it twinged.

The appointment is bright and early, like always!

On another note, I am sooo tired today! It is very boring here at the office, I could literally put my head on my desk and fall asleep! Hopefully when I leave here I will get my second wind. Tonight the Mr. is home for dinner - we haven't had dinner together since before he left last week! I am really excited :)

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Cast away

Well the weekend is coming to a close... the Mr. should be home soon :) Usually when he is gone on Sunday's I don't go to church by myself. I am not a do-things-alone kinda girl. But this Sunday was a kickoff for a new sermon series about Stress! I really felt a tug to go - so I did. And boy I'm glad I did! I really needed to hear it!

The main scripture that the preacher was preaching from was 1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." He used an example with a fly fishing pole. He waved it back and forth like he was fly fishing. He said that this is how people try to "cast" or give their problems to God... they give it, then take it back, and give it, and take it back.

How true is that?! I know I do this! I give my stress and problems with infertility (or anything for that matter!) to God, I ask (and receive) peace about it, but then, especially when that 2 week wait hits I am a STRESS BALL! I take the problem back and try to deal with it alone. God asks us to "cast ALL your anxiety on him" He doesn't tell us to take it back. I am really going to work on this.

The preacher also pointed out the scripture, 1 Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." (I bolded the part that spoke to me)

God will NOT give you anything you can't handle. Going through infertility is Hell. It really is. But God knows what we are going through, He knows our pain and our sadness. He is there! Give it to Him and let Him worry about it. God will not let you fall, you just have to trust Him.

I needed this today. I have been really emotional the past few days (it could have something to do with the Mr. being gone, and my dog getting sick...) I found out that a friend of mine is in labor right now. I am so happy for her! but at the same time it is a reminder of what I don't have. I know that I will get pregnant. I just need to keep praying that I don't let IF stress me out anymore..... easier said than done, right?