Thursday, October 29, 2009


I have been very boring over here - sorry!
I was a total slacker in this months ICLW! I didn't realize that work was going to CONSUME me this week! Not only that, but I really have nothing new to report.

I need to make my doctors appointment for next week. It seems like f o r e v e r since I was there last! You get pretty used to going once (or twice) a week, so 3 weeks is a lifetime! I feel back to my "normal" self. No longer feeling cramps, or fat, or any of that. It's nice to know that "I" am still here :) I have been doing pretty good working out, I figure that should help my body cooperate!

I was looking forward to next week and if I start my injections on Thursday and if I only do them for about 7 days, then that would put my timing for ovulation around Friday the 13th (do de do de do). I am praying that it is God's will that we will conceive this next time! If all that worked out, then my 2ww would end while we are on Thanksgiving break (with my family! Yay!) Then if we did conceive then it would be just perfect, if we didn't then I might have to wait 3 more weeks for my follies to chill out (like this time) and that would put me on Christmas break...

All that to say that if it doesn't work this time, I will probably have to sit out next month just because of timing around the holidays. :(

Am I completely ridiculous for trying to PLAN so far ahead?! [Yes, yes you are.] But I just can't help it. I want to be a mom so bad! I just can't wait to be pregnant. I wish I had a way I could just do a sneek peak into the future just to see what God has in store for me/us. Then I could at least be prepared for it....

Sunday, October 25, 2009

No plans...

The Mr. and I just got back home. We went out of town for the weekend, a very last minute decision. It was sooo nice! I love getting out of town, even just for a couple days. It is refreshing. We got to enjoy just hanging out, just the two of us.

I always think, how would this be different if we had a baby right now. If things had worked out the way I had planned, we would have a baby right now. We probably would not have gone on this trip - but if we did, we definitely wouldn't have done half the stuff we got to do. We decided not to plan anything, just to go and do whatever we wanted. As my husband said, "You planned not to have a plan". :) It was wonderful!

I heard awhile back, "God laughs when we make plans" and I thought, how FUNNY! So, true! We shouldn't even bother planning because no matter what we do, or how we do it, if it's not meant to be, it just isn't. And vice-versa, if it's supposed to happen, it will.

I am going to spend the rest of my weekend making bread (actually putting ingredients into a bread machine) and relaxing with my husband.

Thursday, October 22, 2009


It's funny to me how fast I can go from praying all about me, to praying so hard for others.

A couple nights ago I was leaving the gym (go me!! I am doing good ya'll!) and I had a voice mail from my brother. My brother and I get along great! I love him tons! But we just don't talk much on the phone. So that was weird. When I called him back he informed me that he had joined the Marines. I was so shocked! I had no clue that he was even interested in this! He is really excited, evidently he has been thinking about this for a long time now (good thing!) so I told him congrats, and after a million a half questions we got off the phone.

When I got home, I told the Mr. He was shocked too. So now I am full of all this mixed up emotions! I am scared, worried, happy, curious, and most of all... I miss my family! I have been searching on the internet to find out exactly what my bro will be doing. He doesn't go to bootcamp until April (2 weeks after he gets married!!!!!) so I guess I have time before I start stressing and worrying...

But it really got me thinking. That night I prayed so hard for him and for guidance for him and his fiance. I prayed that God would keep him safe! I didn't even remember to pray for our infertility and the fact that I want a baby soo bad! Since then I'm sure I have more than made up for that :) but still - it made me realize that as much as I want/desire this, life is still moving right along. It is bittersweet. Most of the time I feel like things shouldn't be moving forward, no one else should have big news, nothing can happen until I get my BFP. I sometimes feel like I am at a standstill. I plan around What ifs.

I need to just start praying about everything. I will get pregnant. It will happen. I just need to realize that my life is made up of so much more than this one part. I have an awesome family and they are still living their lives! I need to start living mine more. Living it more day-by-day and stop with the "what ifs". It makes my planning way to hard!

"Do not worry about anything; instead pray about everything." Phillippians 4:6

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


This is my second time participating in ICLW. I love getting to know others out there that can relate and understand the infertility lingo!

Currently, I have just finished my 3 cycle with injections. I am now waiting on my follicles to go back down! They are HUGE, so in two more weeks, I have another appointment and will hopefully get the next cycle started! (Funny how most of our waits are 2 weeks) My journey is on the side but here is a little more about me:

- I am a christian
- I am short
- I am more in love with my husband each passing day
- I have a dog - and she is my world!
- I love peanut butter
- I am a planner
- I have lived in the Caribbean
- I love horses
- I deal with finances
- I am neat and organized
- I eat the samething every morning for breakfast (Cheerios)
- I've about made myself sick of them!
- I can't stand birds
- I like to go hiking
- I love music! (most any kind)
- I wish I were more artistic and creative
- I look like I'm still a teenager (most people think I'm 18, I've even had someone say 16?!?!)
- I am 27
- I am a homebody
- I don't eat seafood
- I like warm weather much better than cold!
- I have never been anywhere out west (farthest I've gone is Texas...)
- I like to cook
- I can't whistle
- I love my family!

Hope to get to know many more of you!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Be still

I absolutely love my church! I feel so re-energized everytime I go. This past Sunday we sang a song - part of it went like this:

"...When the oceans rise and thunder roars, I will soar with you above the storm. Father you are king above the floods, I will be still and know you are God..."
It reminded me of Psalms 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God..." There are so many times that I say this to myself. I just need to be still and know that He is God! That is so powerful! And God can do all things! He can make the impossible possible! He has a plan for each of us, we just need to be still and listen so we can go down that path.

I am feeling the peace of God again. I am over my sadness that this past cycle didn't work. I am ready to move forward again. I know that there is something so great waiting for me, I just have to trust that God will take me there.

Also in church this past Sunday, our preacher talked about dreams. - Side note - it seems that every sermon the preacher preaches I try to relate it back to my problems, namely Trying to have a baby - So, this was no different. I feel like my big dream is to have a baby, for the Mr. and I to be parents to our biological child(ren). The preacher used the story of Abraham and how (in Genesis) he was asked to move without knowing where he was going. And he did. And he had many MANY hard times, but in the end, everything worked out.

I feel like I can relate. I am such a planner. And as I read and get to know many of you, it seems like most of us are - we plan. Infertility has caused a major kink in my plans. But I just have to remind myself [constantly] that God has set me on the journey for a reason. Once I get farther along in this plan, I will be able to look back and see the reason for all of it. Maybe it's because I have been able to talk with others so openly IRL about my situation. Maybe it will help someone else in their future deal with something similar. Who knows.

So, for now, while I wait, I am trying to be still. I am on my knees. I am thankful for all the blessing I do have. I am soaking up this peace of God.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

No more pills

I got a call yesterday from the doctor following up from my appointment. She said that since my levels are all going down (which is good) they don't want to put me on the birth control pills. She told me to make an appointment to come back in three weeks. Three. That seems like soooo far away!

I have decided that this last cycle I was waaay too obsessed. I need to chill. I probably brought on a lot of my "symptoms" just hoping so hard! I know it is a lot harder done than said, but I am going to try to just go with the flow, and not google And I am going to take advantage of the next 3 weeks, and work out. Get back into shape!

Friday, October 16, 2009

Follow up appointment

I went in this morning for my appointment. It was supposed to be my 2 week wait appointment - but it turned into my check bloodwork and hope it is at baseline appointment.

I did the normal - bloodwork and ultrasound. As soon as she got the wand inserted (oh how fun at 7:15 in the morning....) we saw HUGE follicles floating around. I mean they were enormous!! She said it looked like I had ovulated 7 of them - and now they are just hanging out. I was given a prescription for birth control pills. They will call me this afternoon to let me know for sure that I need them. I'm sure I do. The pills will help my body get back to "normal" and therefore, I can start the fun injections all over again.

I am trying not to get frusturated with this whole process. Actually just with dealing with infertility. I asked the nurse today - What else can I be doing to help this process along??? I know that some women with PCOS loose some weight, and they ovulate on their own. And others just start the Metformin and they ovulate. Me - nothing. She told me not to get frusturated. That "normal" couples with no problems, it sometimes takes up to a year to get pregnant. I have only been through 3 cycles and one of those 3 I became pregnant. So I shouldn't be frusturated (yet anyway).

On another note - the fact that she said "normal" couples, just about made me laugh. Guess I'm not "normal". I know what she ment, but seriously... I didn't take offense, I mean the Mr. and I joke all the time that we aren't normal :) It was just a funny way to say it.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Guess who?

Guess who decided to show up this morning???
My period.
I was having horrible cramping, which I know all too well. I told the Mr. when I woke up that AF was on the way - I could feel it. The Mr. left for work before I did this morning, and right after he left I went to the bathroom. Oh, she is definitely here! I got on my knees and prayed. And the tears started flowing. I prayed that God remind me of how much I am blessed with. And that He lift me up and give me the peace I so desperately need. I prayed that His will be done, and that He make His will mine. Lastly I prayed for God comfort me and to please please be with me right now.
Then I looked at my daily prayer book. Today it said that "your suffering is not in vain". God will be glorified! I don't have the book with me right now or I would quote the whole thing! But it really spoke to me!
All along I have prayed that I desire a child, a healthy child. If this is not in God's will for me right now, then give me peace with that. I would rather see a BFN than go through another miscarriage!

I feel like I am rambling....
I am sad, I really thought this time worked.
But I can't help but try to look at the positive (I would still be curled up in a ball in bed if I didn't!) I am so blessed in other ways! And this isn't the end! God didn't tell me no, He just told me that now isn't the right time.

So... again... I wait... wait for AF to make her appearance then disappear again... wait to see what the doctor has me do next.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


You know that song "I've had a bad day... "??? Well that's me.

Yeah I know it's only 8:30 in the morning. But maybe let's count yesterday AND this morning. Yesterday at work there was miscommunication that caused major stress in my life. Bad. It was rainy and gross. Bad. I got home exhausted but couldn't fall asleep. Bad. The Mr. cuddled with me on the couch and we watched a movie. Very good :). This morning...... I tested..... BAD! It was a BFN.

Right after I did it, I thought, why the heck am I doing this to myself?? But what if it had said positive? I would be over the moon right now! I know it is still early (10 dpo) so technically I still could be pregnant. But now I am trying to convince myself not to get my hopes so far up. It is sooo hard though! I mean, I am having so many of the symptoms! Is is all coming from the medicines I was on? Shouldn't they be out of my system right now??

So now my emotions are all over the place! And I feel fat... I know I've mentioned that I have been bloated, so my pants won't comfortably close all the way (attractive I know) so this morning, after I saw the BFN, I was talking to the Mr. and said, "man I better be pregnant, if not I am just plan ole fat" and he said, "if you aren't you can go to the gym with me". Ya know what I did? Flipped out. Yup. "Oh so you think I'm fat too? So I need to go to the gym?? Maybe YOU should go to the gym!" Oh man, poor Mr. Oh, and then I started crying. And then I started apologizing.

Gosh. Now I am just sad. Why - because what if I'm not pregnant? I have so many questions - why am I having so much cramping and feel so bloated - is something wrong with me??

I'm am telling you the 2 week wait is all the devil's doing!
Thanks for letting me vent here!! Today will be busy at work, so maybe my mind will stay occupied. Only 2 more days and I'll know for SURE and then I can react appropriately :)

Monday, October 12, 2009

Feel the burn

What does heartburn feel like????? Oh geez I am sure that is what I am experiencing right now! What makes it go away?? Tums?

Two week waits SUCK there is no other way to describe them! It is like torture! I think I'm pregnant, no I don't think I am, wait - yup I definitely am, no probably all in my head, hold up - I have to be...... Right now I am in the middle. I am for sure having some very obvious symptoms, but could it be? I am also feeling very fat. I am a smaller person and am usually good about working out. Well I haven't worked out in a long time. (for fear of messing things up - as I stated in a previous post). I have definitely gotten bigger... my pants are super tight! I HATE this feeling! If I am pregnant - then wonderful bring it on - but what if I'm not? Then I am just getting big on my own!

See - the 2 ww is a sick sick joke!

Onto another topic - yesterday at church we sang a song that I LOVE! I feel this way soo many times... the chorus goes like this:

"Word of God speak
Would you pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
to be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak"
Love it! So many times I pray that - for God to just speak to me, tell me what to do, where to go...
Counting down until Thursday!!!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Let the glory be revealed

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." (1 Peter 4:12-13)

I found this verse a couple nights ago when I was doing my bible study. It really spoke to me. I can't WAIT to see God's glory revealed through my infertility. I am praying that it is sooner than later!

I am still flip-flopping on whether this cycle worked or not. But I am still very peaceful about everything. I really feel as though I have done everything I can and I have given the rest to God.

So, I was having tons of cramping/bloating right after ovulation. Now my boobs are very sore, and the bloating has gone away. I am still having twinges every now and then. I feel pressure in my abdomen, but no longer feel "fat". And I am exhausted! I am 7dpo, which is still early, but yesterday and today by 4:00 I feel like I could go to sleep for the night! I hope this is a good sign! I am mainly listing all my symptoms for my info in the future :)

I am debating whether I want to test early or not. I haven't let myself go buy pregnancy tests, so that way I test! I would rather not see a BFN.... maybe I'll just let the doctor tell me for sure next Thursday.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Flip flop

I sure was confident yesterday, huh? Today... notsomuch. Why is it that we do this to ourselves? This morning I was sitting on the couch before work, and I was thinking... what if this time isn't the time, what if it doesn't work???

I still firmly believe that God can do ANYTHING! but is now the time that He will bless me? or will I have to wait?

I don't know why yesterday I just knew I was going to get a BFP and today I'm not so sure - except maybe I can blame it on google. I am still having cramping, and I feel super bloated (I actually have my pants unbuttoned right now.. shhhh... don't tell the co-workers!)... so I started googling every.single.symptom. Surprise, surprise, others with these symptoms at only 3-4 dpo exist. And guess what? Some of them were pregnant, and some of them weren't. What was I looking for? I dunno - maybe a website that said "Yep Mrs. you are going to be pregnant this month" but I didn't find that.

So... now I am just trying to find other ways to keep myself occupied. That way I don't get all crazy about everything! Think I'll go to the gym after work and see if that clears my mind - is anyone else like me and puts off going to the gym because they don't want to mess anything up? I am always worried that that extra time on the elliptical might work against me. :)

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

All things are possible

Not much new to report here... I am definitely having cramps still though (I am 3dpo). I could read into it all I want to, but it won't change the fact that I am not going to know anything for sure until next week. I feel really crampy and kinda bloated. Could just be how I am after I ovulated... could be that I am making a baby... *sigh* it's going to be a long 2 weeks...

It is sooo hard for me not to let my mind wander... I mean IF I was pregnant, then the holidays would be perfect time to tell the family, IF I was pregnant then when we go on our trip I would be 6 month, IF I was pregnant then I would be 7 months for my brothers wedding (possibly could still fit into the dress!), IF I was pregnant then I would have a summer baby, IF, IF, IF...

(side note, I just realized that the word "if" is also the abbreviation for infertility "IF" hmm...)

I was talking to the Mr. last night, and I just can't help it, my hopes are up really high this month. I know this could be a HUGE let down! I always try to talk myself out of it. But I just can't this time. At church awhile back the preacher spoke about how you should pray and expect it to happen. If you are praying for something that you don't think is possible what's the point (he didn't say it like that, that is just my summary :) ) "...With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." (Matthew 19:26)

So, I am hopeful, I will take the risk.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

O day

First off - thank you guys so much for the feedback! It definitely eased my crazy mind!

Second - I definitely think I ovulated this morning. I was having some major cramping! It's gone now, so that must have been it.

I really hope it works this time!! We've done all we can do, so now we just wait...

Okay - I promise I won't write about "waiting" everyday for the next 2 weeks :)
I don't know if I mentioned on here or not, but my brother is getting married in April. I was asked to be in the wedding. I am SO excited! I love his fiance! So, I had to go ahead and order my dress over a month ago. The dress was on sale, and is going to be discontinued so all of us bridesmaids had to go ahead and get the dress just-in-case it is discontinued before the wedding. Well - that left me with a small problem. I am usually a size 2 - well the wedding (at the time I bought the dress) was 8 months away. I am trying to get pregnant. The dress is being discontinued. What size do I get???

I figured, there is a good chance I would get pregnant before the wedding (positive thoughts!!) So I ordered a size 10. That is obviously going to look ridiculous on me - especially if I am not pregnant and have to get it altered. I went to pick it up yesterday. I didn't even take it out of the bag, what's the point? I talked to the lady at the store and she said that as long as the dress is still being made (which it is right now) they could reorder another size if I needed it.

I'm not trying to worry about it right now. If all else fails, I just won't be in it. As long as I'm there, it's all good!

Friday, October 2, 2009

Oh geez, here I go

I am just going to go ahead and start stressing - mkay

So I did the Orvidrel shot last night (around 5:30) I have been googling and listening to you guys - so I should ovulate around 36 hours from that, right? So, why am I having major cramping right now? It is on my lower left side like next to my hip - and they have been there for the past couple hours.

Last month I got this same pain on my right side and it was around 36 hours or so after the shot. So I assumed it was me ovulating. Am I just overreacting? I just reallllly want this to work, and I am trying to plan around it! The Mr. is out of town this weekend but said he could come home for a little bit tomorrow (ya know, just to hang out, wink wink).

I guess either way, whether I am ovulating now or whether it will happen tomorrow, I've done what I can.

Gosh, I can only imagine what I'm going to be like when I do get pregnant! I will seriously be a crazy person!


I am officially in the 2 week wait.

Yesterday the nurse called me and left a message. She said that after reviewing my bloodwork, my estrogen level was around 400 (I think - I really don't try to keep track of all the numbers!) So they left it up to me and the Mr. if we wanted to continue or cancel this cycle. She said that if I continued with the cycle I would have about a 30% chance of twins and a 10% chance of triplets. I like how they left it up to us - we, of course, said Yep we're going for it!

Last night I did the shot of Orvidrel. Which, by the way, is so much easier than the Menopur!
Question: When you do the trigger shot, do you count days past ovulation from that, or from when you think you ovulated after you took the shot? So would today be 1dpo, I would think not because I don't think I ovulated yet. I know it takes 24-48 hours after the shot.

I am very hopeful with this cycle. And that scares me! I can easily say - if this doesn't work this time, there's always next time. And - if this doesn't work, then that is God's plan, it will happen when it's supposed to....
But really, I am hopeful.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Still waiting

First off - my appointment. I was sooo worried because I was feeling very "full" so I thought I may have over stimulated. The nurse did the ultrasound and saw a few follicles. The doctor came in too, so I had both of them reviewing it. I was thinking that none of them were big enough, but what do I know! I forgot all of the numbers by now, but it was like 3 at 15mm, and a couple more that were smaller. The doctor said that he would have to look at my bloodwork to see if this cycle is a go. As I have said before, he is very conservative and doesn't really like to have multiples (which I think is like most doctors). He did ask me straight up how I felt about twins. I told him I am fine with twins, but anything over that scares me! As long as they are healthy! So, again I'm waiting on the phone call telling me what to do next. I am praying so hard that I can trigger and this cycle is good to go! And I am on my knees asking God that this cycle work and we get our healthy baby!

On another note - I came across this verse last night:

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." (Matthew 7:7-8)

It is easy to read this and think - okay I asked for a child, now I should get one. I really started praying over this last night. I always include, "if it is in Your will". I truly only want what is in God's will.

I heard somewhere - God answers all prayers. It is either yes, not right now, or let me show you another way. I love that! I feel very peaceful about all that the Mr. and I are going through and I know it is because I have given God all of my worry. If this cycle wasn't ment to be, I just have to trust that God is in control. Easier said than done, I know.

If any of you have some extra time - throw a few prayers my way! I am really praying that this is THE cycle!