Thursday, December 31, 2009

IUI - Done!

Well I'm all done with the IUI. Like I mentioned in the previous post, I started getting some cramps on my left side. I met the Mr. for lunch and had some soup, afterwards I felt so full/crampy and uncomfortable. By the time I got to the doctor I was VERY uncomfortable... I tribute it to the fact that I had to pee sooooo bad! (they said come with a full bladder, and boy did I!!)

The procedure itself was pretty uneventful, like many of you said it would be. I asked the nurse how the Mr. did and she said, "well I'll tell you, but you can't tell him! If you do his head will be so big he won't be able to walk through the door!!" She said his count was 230 million! She said they had to dilute it some because they couldn't insert that much!

Afterwards when I got home, I have been experiencing pretty sharp cramps, mainly on my left side. Is this normal?? I googled and it looks like it is... I am just hoping that nothing is wrong.

Happy New Year!!

New Years Eve

Wow, 2009 is coming to a close! I just knew in January 2009 that this would be my year... even if I didn't bring home a sweet baby, I would at least be pregnant. Now, on the last day of the year I am once again hopeful that 2010 will be it. It will be my year.

As we speak, the Mr. is at the doctor giving his "specimen". I am beyond ready for this! I go in at 1:15 today. Last night I had some cramping on my left side (the side that had the two 18 mm follies). Hopefully that means I am about to ovulate.

I pray that our desire is God's will. I just realized that when I have to go back to the doctor in 2 weeks, it will be the day that I am leaving to go to my brothers wedding! Which I'm in. So, this will either be a happy/nervous time, or I will be trying to be happy while grabbing the wine :) Either way, I know that God is in control of the situation.

Hope everyone has a happy, safe New Year's!!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Ready!

I had my appointment this morning. I had two 18 mm follicles on the left side, and then a 12 and a 13... so I'm ready :) The nurse called this afternoon and said that I need to do the Ovidrel shot tomorrow morning. On Thursday the Mr. goes in at 8:45, then I go in that afternoon at 1:15 for the IUI.

I am sooo excited! I know this isn't a guarantee, but it is just exciting to be doing something different!

On another note... I am getting sick. Sucks. I am never sick! I am trying to drink tons of water to knock it out!

I pray soo hard that this is IT!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

I'm back!

Well we just got back from visiting the family for Christmas. It was GREAT! Sooooo nice to see the family! We had a great time! Now it's back to the "real world"!

I started my injections on Monday. That was a little strange. Bringing all the needles and syringes and all the other stuff I needed to do them! Not to mention we were staying with my sister-in-law and her 14 year old girl and 6 year old boy! I just prayed everytime that one of them wouldn't start banging on the door and scare me!

They are going well. I go back to the doctor on Tuesday. My prayer is that I am ready to trigger and we can do the IUI on Thursday! AND that it will work!! :)

Can't wait to go check in on you guys and see what I missed!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Starting another cycle...

Well, I thought I would have to take a break.... but I don't! I mean, I guess the past 2 weeks and the next 1 week will be a pretty good "break" but I am very excited to have another plan ready! (If you've been reading awhile, you know I like PLANS!)

So, the nurse called. She first asked if I will be able to do injections while I'm out of town. Um... yes. If you told me to stand on my head and clap my hands, I would make that work too!
I am to start the injections on Monday night. 75 IU of Menopur (same as I have previously done). I go back to the doctor on Tuesday the 29th. So that gives me 8 days of the injections. Which hopefully will be enough! I have had one cycle that it took 12 days. We shall see!

This is an IUI cycle! My first (and hopefully last!) IUI. I know that many of you have been through this before. I don't know what to expect. The nurse said that if everything were a "go" that Tuesday, then I would trigger Tuesday night, then Thursday morning we would start the process. What has your experience been like? I am not one for believing the ole wives tales (like eating pineapple during the 2ww) but I am up for anything at this point! And with being around family, it will for sure take my mind of the injections!

Prayer and petition

I am still trying to snap out of my funk, but at least everything isn't making me cry now! It is so hard not to be mad at those fertile people.

I have been on my knees numerous times this week. I have been pouring out to God. I have mentioned it here before but I always go back to the verse: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." (Philippians 4:6) Yesterday I came across this verse (I bolded what spoke to me): "During the days of Jesus' life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission." (Hebrews 5:7) Even Jesus went through trials. Even Jesus was on his knees crying and pleading with God.

Sunday night was probably the worst I've been. I am not a crier, and I was balling. I felt helpless and drained. My husband was so great. He bought me some wine on his way home and just let me be. Like some of you have said... we get in these slumps and slowly make our way back to the world. I am almost there.

I had my appointment this morning. I was hoping that God would give me a miracle and my body would suddenly start ovulating on it's own. Nope. Not this time. Like always, I have many "pearls" of cysts in my ovaries. But at least it looked normal (well, normal for me anyway!) The doctor came in and said that it looked like we could get started...

BUT the Mr. is going out of town tomorrow and I will be leaving on Friday. The doctor asked when we'd be back... I said the 27th. He said, well maybe not start tonight, but maybe start later. That was something I hadn't thought of! If I take all my meds with me, I could start while I am on Christmas vacation - then go in to the doctor when I got back and hopefully could trigger! I am waiting for them to call me back and let me know what the plan is! It will be hard (we are staying with the Mr's sister) but it can be done!

I am hopeful!
I just pray pray pray that an IUI does it for us! If nothing else, IF does show you how strong you can be...

Sunday, December 13, 2009

More venting...

Right after I posted the last post I got on facebook. A friend from church is pregnant.
I was shocked! I shouldn't be... her plans have worked out E.X.A.C.T.L.Y. how she wanted them to. Then I checked my email... she had emailed me.
She said she understood how we were trying (she knew our situation), blah, blah, blah. And then she said, and I quote, "we had been trying for several months. It seemed like everyone else around us was getting pregnant. So I kinda know how you feel."

How would this make any of you feel????
No way does she even come close to knowing how I feel! But I know she is so excited, and I shouldn't let my jealously take over my feelings. I can't help it. I feel SO sad! I have cried all the tears I have. I just don't understand how for some people EVERY plan they have comes true. And yet for others it takes fighting for everything. At least sometimes it feels that way.

I'm sorry this is such a downer day for me. I am sure I will snap out of it.
Thanks ladies for your prayers and kind words! I know that everyone has "down" days. I just can't wait to see what God has planned!

Signs

It is only noon, and already this is a tough day for me. I always refer to infertility as being on a rollercoaster - well, I am at the bottom of the hill right now.

First off... I am a big "sign" person. I feel that God uses signs (as well as other people) to communicate to us. A lot of the time I don't realize that I even got a sign until afterwards and I look back and can see - ooh so that's what God was trying to tell me.

So, when I am praying about a child, I deep down hope that God will give me a sign (an obvious one!) just to show me that everything will work out. That I will get pregnant with a healthy baby. That I deserve it. That it will happen. So far, I haven't gotten this. -BUT on the flip side, I haven't gotten a sign that it won't happen.

Today in church we had a wonderful service! Our choir sang some Christmas songs that really touched me. One of the songs was a solo, O Holy Night. On the screen there were pictures of a baby (Jesus) in the manger. There were close ups of the sweet baby toes, and sweet baby hands... I fought back tears. Then the preacher started his sermon. Among other things, he said that in a way God adopted us. We are His children. This was a segway for the preacher to start talking about a couple in church (we will call her A and him B) that adopted a baby girl from China a few months ago. I know them, so I know their story (basically couldn't get pregnant, felt led to adopt, 6 years later brought home this sweet baby girl). A is a singer, so she got up to sing and on the screen were shots of them traveling to China and bringing home their sweet baby.

I lost it. Right there in church. Was God trying to tell me to adopt??? In my Sunday school class we were talking about how to listen to God. So when I got home (the Mr. had to go to a work meeting, so I am by myself) I got on my knees and just prayed. And then I just sat and listened. I felt like I was supposed to look at Psalms 116. The beginning, "I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy." And then later "Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you."

It made me feel better. I still feel like I don't have an answer. But sometimes our answer is WAIT. In the meantime I am trying to really be open to what God wants me to do. I honestly haven't let myself consider adoption yet.

Thanks for letting me ramble- it helps to put thoughts out in writing.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

I'm still here

I have been MIA on this blog! I just haven't had much to say I guess. I had a "why me?!" moment this past weekend. You know the one.... why is this happening to me? what did I do? why is it sooo easy for everyone else? when will it be my turn?

I hate when I get in those moods.

So, I go back to the RE next Tuesday. Part of me wonders if [hopes!] my body will suddenly wake up and start a cycle on it's own. Hey - why not? How awesome would that be if I took this month off (from the med cycle) and bam I get pregnant on my own?!

My mom is so funny - I was talking to her the other day. The Mr and I are going on a vacation with my parents in March. We are going down to the Caribbean (where the Mr. and I used to live). So, my mom was saying - wouldn't that be awesome if you came back and had a "souvenir" from the islands?! I actually would really like to be pregnant before then, but we'll see. It would be a neat story :)

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Foolish.

So I am in better spirits :) Thanks ladies for your comments. I can't say enough how awesome it is to have so much support/advice/comfort/etc. from people I have never met! I was telling the Mr. how great it is to get on this blog and pour out my heart and what I am feeling (or not feeling), or symptoms, or questions and have so many people know EXACTLY what I mean!

I read a daily devotional by Beth Moore every day... the other day one of them said something along the lines of, "Why do we feel the need to pray so safely? Who are we trying to keep from looking foolish? Us or Him?"

Very interesting. It really got me thinking. I DO pray "safely" but what I overlook is that God is in the miracle making business! He can do it! He has done things that can't be explained! If it is His will He will make it happen. I think I pray "safe" because I am worried that I am asking too much, or I think, why would God choose me. I like when my preacher says, "We serve a BIG God, and He can do BIG things!" So true.


I don't think I updated that my nurse called me back on Tuesday afternoon and said my bloodwork showed that everything was pretty much back to baseline, but the doctor wanted to wait a couple weeks for those follies to go back down. So........ I don't go back until next Tuesday. The Mr. is headed out of town the next day. I will be leaving a few days after that. Basically I will have to wait until after Christmas to start up the next cycle.

BUT (like many of you pointed out) my mind will be filled with family and friends with the holiday just around the corner. I need to use this time to get back on track. I have been working out (again... hopefully this time it will last! ha!) I want to just clear my mind.... just relax! Then in January - we can start the New Year fresh! With an IUI!

Oh... and more good news... our bedroom set FINALLY got here!! YAY!!!

Feeling blah

It's going to be one of those weeks for me. I am just feeling sad and "down".

I had my appointment this morning. My follies are enormous - surprise, surprise. I just knew this would happen. The doctor came in the room and I asked if this was "normal". I honestly didn't really understand what he explained to me. (big, medical words...) But I basically got that it happens, it isn't "normal" but it happens, especially when I am being stimulated. The Dr. said that they suspect it happens in "normal" people, but since they don't get an ultrasound it goes un-noticed.

Anyway, so then he said that we would probably have to wait about a week or a week and half to make sure these follies go back down to "normal" (I am getting carried away with the quotes!). Know what that means? It means that I will go back and not be able to do anything because the Mr. will be out of town - and then I'll be out of town for Christmas. Sooooo I think I am out this month. :(

The Dr. did say that it is completely up to us, but if we wanted to go ahead and be more aggressive, he would be okay doing an IUI this next cycle. That is some good news. I am looking forward to the next step.

They will call this afternoon after they check my bloodwork, but I'm pretty sure they won't want to see me back for at least a week. In the meantime, I will try to cheer up.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Day one

Thanks for the support and sweet comments ladies!

I am now officially cycle day 1. Soon after I posted the last post I started packing to get ready to make the 8 hour drive back home from visiting the parents. Annnnd..... the cramps started. Full force. I just knew. So that made for an extra fun drive home. I am now on the couch with my heating bag.

I will make an appointment for Tuesday, but everytime I go in for my after-the-two-week-wait- appointment, my follies are always extra large and I have to wait at least a week before I can start another cycle. So.... this would mean I would have to sit December out. The Mr will be going out of town 4 days before me for Christmas, which means a week and a half that we will be out of town. That sucks.

Anyway, I know the good Lord has a plan. I am still throwing this to Him, I definitely can't handle it on my own!

Good luck to you ladies still in your wait out there!!

This is weird

First of all, we had a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving! I absolutely LOVE being around my family!

Second... I am about 11 DPO today. Normally I start my period around 11-12 DPO (I know it seems early, but that's when it happens). I have mentioned that I have felt no symptoms this cycle. Well about 4 days ago my boobs started getting sore. They have stayed this way. I, of course, started hoping that this was it.

Normally when I start my period I get cramps from hell! I am talking close to tears, bent over, heating pad all day, popping Advil type of cramps. So, yesterday I went to the bathroom and saw a light brown. Dangit, I just knew I was going to start. My mom and I went to the mall, and when I got home there was a little more of the brown, but after that, nothing. I have had no cramps either. Isn't this weird?!

I want SOOOOO bad for this cycle to work, but after that episode yesterday my hope has been crushed. Could it still even be possible? I wanted to test today, just to see, but I chickened out. I have to go to the dr. on Tuesday anyway.

Last night I just cried and cried into the Mr's arms. I am so sad that I think this cycle didn't work - I am probably going to have to take a break since the holidays would be in the middle of the next cycle (we will be out of town). And I am so sad to be leaving my family. We really need to move closer!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Thanksgiving

Thanks for the comments on the last post! I am in a MUCH better mood today :) - I know my coworkers are thankful for that!

I also know that it is early, and I shouldn't dwell on the lack of symptoms. It is true... I have no idea what is from the medicine and what could be symptoms of a BFP. (Thanks Nicole!) I am feeling heavy in my abdomen. But that's about it. No worries! I am about to go see my family, so that will be a good distraction!

So, I have really been focused on this scripture lately:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)


I have mentioned before that I do feel a peace about me with this situation. But I still struggle with the fine line of obsessing and just being conscious of the meds, and what my body is doing/going through. I also have trouble with praying. Do I pray for a child? Do I just pray for God's will? Do I pray and beg for a healthy baby? Do I just pray that I will be content?

I am trying so hard to pray that it is God's will for me to have a healthy baby. And if it is not His will, that I will have peace about it. I like the scripture, because it reminds me not to be anxious. (which we all know is way to easy to do!) And the scripture says "by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving" pray to God. Thanksgiving is coming up, and what better day to remind us of how much we have to be thankful for!! God has not forgot about us! I know I need to be reminded to be thankful for what I DO have, and after that pray for the child I desperately desire.

I will try to get on and blog while I am home. Hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Monday, November 23, 2009

One of those days...

First off, I am not a big drinker. I mean I had my wild fun days in college, but I have changed. A glass of wine every now and then, but nothing more. Let me just say that first :)

Today would be one of those days that I could really use a drink when I got off work! If I wasn't in the two week wait, I would at least get a glass of wine! I mean seriously, I am about to pull my hair out here at work!

I shouldn't be blogging right now (shh don't tell) but I needed to escape, just for a minute! Does anyone else have those days?! And, of course, I would feel like this when I can't have a drink! ha!

Speaking of... like I said in the previous post, I am really not trying to analyze everything BUT (I can't help it!) I am really feeling nothing! I am guessing this didn't work this time. I know it is still early though.

Hope everyone else is having a good day!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

November ICLW!

Okay, I am a little late getting started with ICLW! I feel like I have been so busy lately!

You can see my journey off to the right of my blog. Currently I am in the dreaded two week wait! I did my trigger last Monday, so I am actually about half way finished with the wait! I am really trying to relax and let God do His will. It is oddly reassuring to know that there is nothing that I can do (or not do) that will change God's plan.

So far I have had NO symptoms. I had some cramps on Wednesday- I am assuming that was ovulation. I had a few twinges today, but nothing big. I am trying not to analyze everything! I have been really busy, so it makes the time past faster!

I am going to see my family in N.C. on Tuesday and staying through Sunday. If this cycle didn't work, I expect AF to be here before I leave N.C. I pray that it is God's will for this to be it!! We shall see!!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Pretty sure

I am pretty sure I am:

a) ovulating today

or

b) just having pains in my abdomen because I did a hardcore ab workout on Sunday, and now I am sore from it.

I am pretty sure it's a. (Honestly, I really have no clue how to tell besides cramps.) I started cramping some last night, and today off and on I've been having cramps. At least something is going on in there! I did have a good workout though - and I am sore! That's why it is hard to tell what is going on :)

I am really making a point this cycle to "Let go, and let God". I am praying so hard that it is God's will for us to conceive this time around! At the same time, if it is not His will, I pray that I will have peace with that. My mind keeps wandering to the "what ifs". And the "have I done everything I cans". It is so hard not to get in that mindset! I found myself thinking - okay we did the deed when we were supposed to... but did I lay on my back for long enough afterwards? (even though I hear mixed comments on if that even matters!) And I caught myself... If this is meant to be, God WILL make this happen. "...with God all things are possible." (Matthew 19:26) If it isn't, then it doesn't matter what I do!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Trigger!

I am triggering tonight! Yay!


I had my doctors appointment this morning. I haven't really been feeling "full" so I didn't think that I would be ready to trigger. On the ultrasound the nurse said I had 5 or 6 follicles around 13/14 mm, and then I had one at 18 mm.

When they called this afternoon (after reviewing bloodwork and talking with the doctor) the nurse told me that my estradiol level was 388, which she said was encouraging. If it were much higher they would be a little worried. That would mean that all of the follicles that were growing would probably mature. Since it was 388 that ment that not all of them were mature. Since I have one at 18, the doctor wants me to go ahead and trigger tonight. If I were to do more of the Menopur, it might cause the other 5 or 6 to mature and therefore cause much worry of having multiples.

Does that make sense to anyone other than me?! :)

The nurse said that the doctor feels okay for me to trigger tonight, but since there is a chance of multiples that it was up to me/us. Obviously I am okay with that!
(sidenote: I feel that all of us doing all the fertility treatments are pretty much aware of multiples)

So... tonight's the night! Yay! Then the dreaded 2ww. But at least Thanksgiving is next week... sooo I will be enjoying time at home with my family! That will for sure take my mind of the wait :)

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Keep on, keepin on

I went back to the RE this morning, and just as I suspected - not too much going on. I think the doctor is scared to bump me up to the 112 IU because he doesn't want me overstimulated. Which is fine, BUT that just means I have to do the shot of 75 IU for longer. Blah.

Oh well though... I only have 4 more days to do the shot and then I go back in Monday morning. Hopefully I can trigger Monday night!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

HSG... done!

First off, thank you so much to those that sent some prayers my way! I was really nervous!! I did get the Mr. to go with me. He said he was more than happy to go, but I kept down-playing it (nah, it's no big deal, it won't last long, don't worry about it). Then this morning I said, okay if you don't care, meet me there.

He was there :) Good thing too - I waited at the hospital for about 2 hours! And, of course, the procedure only lasted, um... 10 minutes tops! I really appreciate you guys being so honest! It was painful! While you are up on that bed it seems like it lasts f o r e v e r but really it was only 5 or 10 minutes that that thing was inserted. The doctor got everything in place, which really hurt, then he said, Okay now we will just get the radiologist in here... I'm like HELLO! Get him NOW!

Results: tubes are all clear! Yay! I kinda figured, but, hey at least I know for sure now. And there is no other abnormalities. I get to go back to the RE in the morning for bloodwork and an ultrasound. Hopefully he will up my Menopur because honestly I feel nothing. I have been doing the 75 IU for the past 6 days and I feel no difference - maybe just a couple days of the 112 IU like last time and I'll be ready to trigger!

I am back at work now. I'm a little crampy. Wish I was home on the couch :) I am just glad to have that over with!!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The pic

Here is a picture, per request :)
I can't wait for it to get here!

Also, if you guys remember - please pray for me tomorrow at noon. That is when I am having the HSG done. Thanks!!

Monday, November 9, 2009

Bedroom suite

This weekend was BEAUTIFUL!!! The Mr. and I went out looking for a new bedroom set... and... we bought one!! I am SOOOO excited! I have wanted one since we got married (over 3 years ago), but finally convinced the Mr. that he wants one too :) It is being delivered later this week.

I have been putting off pushing for one because what if we got pregnant?? Then I would have wanted that money to go to the baby! I try to get us to save save save, because - well, babies are expensive. I realized though that after a year and a half of trying to have a baby, this is not going to happen when I want it to. I am really trying hard to just live for today. God has the perfect plan. If we are supposed to have a baby now, then we will and everything will work out. (money, jobs, life, everything!) I am really trying to just let go and let God. My grandmother used to say that.

Let go, and let God.

It should be my new motto :)

Friday, November 6, 2009

Weekend's here!!

THANK YOU! You ladies are awesome! I really appreciate the comments from my last post! Even though it isn't good news, I really just want the truth :) I feel better about things today. A good friend reminded me, all this is going to be SOO worth it! And she's right!

I agree with some of you guys, I have no clue why my doctor is doing the HSG now instead of at the beginning? But I have heard cases of women becoming pregnant after these because they kind of "cleared the way". I guess the doctor was just trying to get me to ovulate first (?) since I didn't ovulate on the oral meds, and the first cycle with injections I became pregnant - it obviously worked, and now I guess he is just wanting to make sure that everything is okay. So - whatever. I have prayed that God give the doctor wisdom in my situation because I will do what the doctor says.

Last night the Menopur went well. I mean, don't get me wrong, it still sucks, but I did it with ease. Guess I am getting used to it. I am still nervous about the HSG, but I gotta do what I gotta do, right? The Mr. asked if he should come with me? I told him no, but did your husbands go with you? And the nurse said I could come back to work afterwards. I am planning on it, but after hearing some of your comments, I'm not sure I will feel like it.

I am debating on what to tell my boss too. She has no idea that we are going through through this. I would rather not get into that with her though. I work in a really small office, and I just want to keep my personal life out of it. I figured I would just tell her I have a procedure and will be gone a couple hours. I will let her know it's not a big deal, and hopefully she won't press the issue.

Well, TGIF! Soooo happy it's Friday! AND it's supposed to be beautiful outside!
Happy Weekend!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

My new plan

My appointment went well today. Everything was quiet and back to being "normal" size. I asked the nurse what she thought our next step might be... I was inquiring about and IUI. She said she would ask the doctor and see what he thought.

I just got a call on my lunch break. She said that everything looked great and I could go ahead and start 75 IU of the Menopur tonight and continue until next Thursday morning when I have another appointment. She also said that the doctor wants to do a HSG on me.

Is this crazy? I know I have read that many of you ladies have had this done, but normally it seems like it is done at the beginning of the infertility - I am ovulating now so (to me) it seems like my tubes are open. The nurse said that this can be therapeutic even if my tubes are open, like if there is any mucus or anything it can clear out my tubes. The doctor just wants to make sure that everything is flowing, I guess. So I am having this procedure done next Wednesday.

I am really nervous about it! How bad does it hurt??? The nurse said I might feel some "discomfort" but I have read some experiences where it hurt. I have no clue what to expect - the nurse said it is only like a 5 minute procedure.

Then she told me that the doctor said that next cycle (if this one doesn't work) then he wants to try an IUI. So.... that's the plan. I am okay with things. Like I said I am nervous, but I like having plans :)

Please share some wisdom on this procedure with me!!! I think the fact that I know it will probably hurt is making me more nervous! I'm sure it's just a pinch, right??

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow..

Tomorrow is my RE appointment! I am very eager to get this cycle going! It has been 3 weeks since I was last at the doctor! It seems like forever :)

I really hope that everything looks normal and quiet so I can start the injections again tomorrow night. I feel like everything in there is normal! Funny how I am so aware of my body now! The slightest twinge, I feel it, and I have a [self] diagnosis on why it twinged.

The appointment is bright and early, like always!

On another note, I am sooo tired today! It is very boring here at the office, I could literally put my head on my desk and fall asleep! Hopefully when I leave here I will get my second wind. Tonight the Mr. is home for dinner - we haven't had dinner together since before he left last week! I am really excited :)

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Cast away

Well the weekend is coming to a close... the Mr. should be home soon :) Usually when he is gone on Sunday's I don't go to church by myself. I am not a do-things-alone kinda girl. But this Sunday was a kickoff for a new sermon series about Stress! I really felt a tug to go - so I did. And boy I'm glad I did! I really needed to hear it!

The main scripture that the preacher was preaching from was 1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." He used an example with a fly fishing pole. He waved it back and forth like he was fly fishing. He said that this is how people try to "cast" or give their problems to God... they give it, then take it back, and give it, and take it back.

How true is that?! I know I do this! I give my stress and problems with infertility (or anything for that matter!) to God, I ask (and receive) peace about it, but then, especially when that 2 week wait hits I am a STRESS BALL! I take the problem back and try to deal with it alone. God asks us to "cast ALL your anxiety on him" He doesn't tell us to take it back. I am really going to work on this.

The preacher also pointed out the scripture, 1 Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." (I bolded the part that spoke to me)

God will NOT give you anything you can't handle. Going through infertility is Hell. It really is. But God knows what we are going through, He knows our pain and our sadness. He is there! Give it to Him and let Him worry about it. God will not let you fall, you just have to trust Him.

I needed this today. I have been really emotional the past few days (it could have something to do with the Mr. being gone, and my dog getting sick...) I found out that a friend of mine is in labor right now. I am so happy for her! but at the same time it is a reminder of what I don't have. I know that I will get pregnant. I just need to keep praying that I don't let IF stress me out anymore..... easier said than done, right?

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Rambling...

I have been very boring over here - sorry!
I was a total slacker in this months ICLW! I didn't realize that work was going to CONSUME me this week! Not only that, but I really have nothing new to report.

I need to make my doctors appointment for next week. It seems like f o r e v e r since I was there last! You get pretty used to going once (or twice) a week, so 3 weeks is a lifetime! I feel back to my "normal" self. No longer feeling cramps, or fat, or any of that. It's nice to know that "I" am still here :) I have been doing pretty good working out, I figure that should help my body cooperate!

I was looking forward to next week and if I start my injections on Thursday and if I only do them for about 7 days, then that would put my timing for ovulation around Friday the 13th (do de do de do). I am praying that it is God's will that we will conceive this next time! If all that worked out, then my 2ww would end while we are on Thanksgiving break (with my family! Yay!) Then if we did conceive then it would be just perfect, if we didn't then I might have to wait 3 more weeks for my follies to chill out (like this time) and that would put me on Christmas break...

All that to say that if it doesn't work this time, I will probably have to sit out next month just because of timing around the holidays. :(

Am I completely ridiculous for trying to PLAN so far ahead?! [Yes, yes you are.] But I just can't help it. I want to be a mom so bad! I just can't wait to be pregnant. I wish I had a way I could just do a sneek peak into the future just to see what God has in store for me/us. Then I could at least be prepared for it....

Sunday, October 25, 2009

No plans...

The Mr. and I just got back home. We went out of town for the weekend, a very last minute decision. It was sooo nice! I love getting out of town, even just for a couple days. It is refreshing. We got to enjoy just hanging out, just the two of us.

I always think, how would this be different if we had a baby right now. If things had worked out the way I had planned, we would have a baby right now. We probably would not have gone on this trip - but if we did, we definitely wouldn't have done half the stuff we got to do. We decided not to plan anything, just to go and do whatever we wanted. As my husband said, "You planned not to have a plan". :) It was wonderful!

I heard awhile back, "God laughs when we make plans" and I thought, how FUNNY! So, true! We shouldn't even bother planning because no matter what we do, or how we do it, if it's not meant to be, it just isn't. And vice-versa, if it's supposed to happen, it will.

I am going to spend the rest of my weekend making bread (actually putting ingredients into a bread machine) and relaxing with my husband.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Life...

It's funny to me how fast I can go from praying all about me, to praying so hard for others.


A couple nights ago I was leaving the gym (go me!! I am doing good ya'll!) and I had a voice mail from my brother. My brother and I get along great! I love him tons! But we just don't talk much on the phone. So that was weird. When I called him back he informed me that he had joined the Marines. I was so shocked! I had no clue that he was even interested in this! He is really excited, evidently he has been thinking about this for a long time now (good thing!) so I told him congrats, and after a million a half questions we got off the phone.


When I got home, I told the Mr. He was shocked too. So now I am full of all this mixed up emotions! I am scared, worried, happy, curious, and most of all... I miss my family! I have been searching on the internet to find out exactly what my bro will be doing. He doesn't go to bootcamp until April (2 weeks after he gets married!!!!!) so I guess I have time before I start stressing and worrying...

But it really got me thinking. That night I prayed so hard for him and for guidance for him and his fiance. I prayed that God would keep him safe! I didn't even remember to pray for our infertility and the fact that I want a baby soo bad! Since then I'm sure I have more than made up for that :) but still - it made me realize that as much as I want/desire this, life is still moving right along. It is bittersweet. Most of the time I feel like things shouldn't be moving forward, no one else should have big news, nothing can happen until I get my BFP. I sometimes feel like I am at a standstill. I plan around What ifs.

I need to just start praying about everything. I will get pregnant. It will happen. I just need to realize that my life is made up of so much more than this one part. I have an awesome family and they are still living their lives! I need to start living mine more. Living it more day-by-day and stop with the "what ifs". It makes my planning way to hard!

"Do not worry about anything; instead pray about everything." Phillippians 4:6

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Hello!

This is my second time participating in ICLW. I love getting to know others out there that can relate and understand the infertility lingo!


Currently, I have just finished my 3 cycle with injections. I am now waiting on my follicles to go back down! They are HUGE, so in two more weeks, I have another appointment and will hopefully get the next cycle started! (Funny how most of our waits are 2 weeks) My journey is on the side but here is a little more about me:

- I am a christian
- I am short
- I am more in love with my husband each passing day
- I have a dog - and she is my world!
- I love peanut butter
- I am a planner
- I have lived in the Caribbean
- I love horses
- I deal with finances
- I am neat and organized
- I eat the samething every morning for breakfast (Cheerios)
- I've about made myself sick of them!
- I can't stand birds
- I like to go hiking
- I love music! (most any kind)
- I wish I were more artistic and creative
- I look like I'm still a teenager (most people think I'm 18, I've even had someone say 16?!?!)
- I am 27
- I am a homebody
- I don't eat seafood
- I like warm weather much better than cold!
- I have never been anywhere out west (farthest I've gone is Texas...)
- I like to cook
- I can't whistle
- I love my family!


Hope to get to know many more of you!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Be still

I absolutely love my church! I feel so re-energized everytime I go. This past Sunday we sang a song - part of it went like this:

"...When the oceans rise and thunder roars, I will soar with you above the storm. Father you are king above the floods, I will be still and know you are God..."
It reminded me of Psalms 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God..." There are so many times that I say this to myself. I just need to be still and know that He is God! That is so powerful! And God can do all things! He can make the impossible possible! He has a plan for each of us, we just need to be still and listen so we can go down that path.

I am feeling the peace of God again. I am over my sadness that this past cycle didn't work. I am ready to move forward again. I know that there is something so great waiting for me, I just have to trust that God will take me there.

Also in church this past Sunday, our preacher talked about dreams. - Side note - it seems that every sermon the preacher preaches I try to relate it back to my problems, namely Trying to have a baby - So, this was no different. I feel like my big dream is to have a baby, for the Mr. and I to be parents to our biological child(ren). The preacher used the story of Abraham and how (in Genesis) he was asked to move without knowing where he was going. And he did. And he had many MANY hard times, but in the end, everything worked out.

I feel like I can relate. I am such a planner. And as I read and get to know many of you, it seems like most of us are - we plan. Infertility has caused a major kink in my plans. But I just have to remind myself [constantly] that God has set me on the journey for a reason. Once I get farther along in this plan, I will be able to look back and see the reason for all of it. Maybe it's because I have been able to talk with others so openly IRL about my situation. Maybe it will help someone else in their future deal with something similar. Who knows.

So, for now, while I wait, I am trying to be still. I am on my knees. I am thankful for all the blessing I do have. I am soaking up this peace of God.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

No more pills

I got a call yesterday from the doctor following up from my appointment. She said that since my levels are all going down (which is good) they don't want to put me on the birth control pills. She told me to make an appointment to come back in three weeks. Three. That seems like soooo far away!

I have decided that this last cycle I was waaay too obsessed. I need to chill. I probably brought on a lot of my "symptoms" just hoping so hard! I know it is a lot harder done than said, but I am going to try to just go with the flow, and not google every.single.day. And I am going to take advantage of the next 3 weeks, and work out. Get back into shape!

Friday, October 16, 2009

Follow up appointment

I went in this morning for my appointment. It was supposed to be my 2 week wait appointment - but it turned into my check bloodwork and hope it is at baseline appointment.

I did the normal - bloodwork and ultrasound. As soon as she got the wand inserted (oh how fun at 7:15 in the morning....) we saw HUGE follicles floating around. I mean they were enormous!! She said it looked like I had ovulated 7 of them - and now they are just hanging out. I was given a prescription for birth control pills. They will call me this afternoon to let me know for sure that I need them. I'm sure I do. The pills will help my body get back to "normal" and therefore, I can start the fun injections all over again.

I am trying not to get frusturated with this whole process. Actually just with dealing with infertility. I asked the nurse today - What else can I be doing to help this process along??? I know that some women with PCOS loose some weight, and they ovulate on their own. And others just start the Metformin and they ovulate. Me - nothing. She told me not to get frusturated. That "normal" couples with no problems, it sometimes takes up to a year to get pregnant. I have only been through 3 cycles and one of those 3 I became pregnant. So I shouldn't be frusturated (yet anyway).

On another note - the fact that she said "normal" couples, just about made me laugh. Guess I'm not "normal". I know what she ment, but seriously... I didn't take offense, I mean the Mr. and I joke all the time that we aren't normal :) It was just a funny way to say it.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Guess who?

Guess who decided to show up this morning???
My period.
Dangit.
I was having horrible cramping, which I know all too well. I told the Mr. when I woke up that AF was on the way - I could feel it. The Mr. left for work before I did this morning, and right after he left I went to the bathroom. Oh, she is definitely here! I got on my knees and prayed. And the tears started flowing. I prayed that God remind me of how much I am blessed with. And that He lift me up and give me the peace I so desperately need. I prayed that His will be done, and that He make His will mine. Lastly I prayed for God comfort me and to please please be with me right now.
Then I looked at my daily prayer book. Today it said that "your suffering is not in vain". God will be glorified! I don't have the book with me right now or I would quote the whole thing! But it really spoke to me!
All along I have prayed that I desire a child, a healthy child. If this is not in God's will for me right now, then give me peace with that. I would rather see a BFN than go through another miscarriage!

I feel like I am rambling....
I am sad, I really thought this time worked.
But I can't help but try to look at the positive (I would still be curled up in a ball in bed if I didn't!) I am so blessed in other ways! And this isn't the end! God didn't tell me no, He just told me that now isn't the right time.

So... again... I wait... wait for AF to make her appearance then disappear again... wait to see what the doctor has me do next.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Vent...

You know that song "I've had a bad day... "??? Well that's me.

Yeah I know it's only 8:30 in the morning. But maybe let's count yesterday AND this morning. Yesterday at work there was miscommunication that caused major stress in my life. Bad. It was rainy and gross. Bad. I got home exhausted but couldn't fall asleep. Bad. The Mr. cuddled with me on the couch and we watched a movie. Very good :). This morning...... I tested..... BAD! It was a BFN.

Right after I did it, I thought, why the heck am I doing this to myself?? But what if it had said positive? I would be over the moon right now! I know it is still early (10 dpo) so technically I still could be pregnant. But now I am trying to convince myself not to get my hopes so far up. It is sooo hard though! I mean, I am having so many of the symptoms! Is is all coming from the medicines I was on? Shouldn't they be out of my system right now??

So now my emotions are all over the place! And I feel fat... I know I've mentioned that I have been bloated, so my pants won't comfortably close all the way (attractive I know) so this morning, after I saw the BFN, I was talking to the Mr. and said, "man I better be pregnant, if not I am just plan ole fat" and he said, "if you aren't you can go to the gym with me". Ya know what I did? Flipped out. Yup. "Oh so you think I'm fat too? So I need to go to the gym?? Maybe YOU should go to the gym!" Oh man, poor Mr. Oh, and then I started crying. And then I started apologizing.

Gosh. Now I am just sad. Why - because what if I'm not pregnant? I have so many questions - why am I having so much cramping and feel so bloated - is something wrong with me??

I'm am telling you the 2 week wait is all the devil's doing!
Thanks for letting me vent here!! Today will be busy at work, so maybe my mind will stay occupied. Only 2 more days and I'll know for SURE and then I can react appropriately :)

Monday, October 12, 2009

Feel the burn

What does heartburn feel like????? Oh geez I am sure that is what I am experiencing right now! What makes it go away?? Tums?

Two week waits SUCK there is no other way to describe them! It is like torture! I think I'm pregnant, no I don't think I am, wait - yup I definitely am, no probably all in my head, hold up - I have to be...... Right now I am in the middle. I am for sure having some very obvious symptoms, but could it be? I am also feeling very fat. I am a smaller person and am usually good about working out. Well I haven't worked out in a long time. (for fear of messing things up - as I stated in a previous post). I have definitely gotten bigger... my pants are super tight! I HATE this feeling! If I am pregnant - then wonderful bring it on - but what if I'm not? Then I am just getting big on my own!

See - the 2 ww is a sick sick joke!

Onto another topic - yesterday at church we sang a song that I LOVE! I feel this way soo many times... the chorus goes like this:

"Word of God speak
Would you pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
to be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak"
Love it! So many times I pray that - for God to just speak to me, tell me what to do, where to go...
Counting down until Thursday!!!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Let the glory be revealed

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." (1 Peter 4:12-13)

I found this verse a couple nights ago when I was doing my bible study. It really spoke to me. I can't WAIT to see God's glory revealed through my infertility. I am praying that it is sooner than later!

I am still flip-flopping on whether this cycle worked or not. But I am still very peaceful about everything. I really feel as though I have done everything I can and I have given the rest to God.

So, I was having tons of cramping/bloating right after ovulation. Now my boobs are very sore, and the bloating has gone away. I am still having twinges every now and then. I feel pressure in my abdomen, but no longer feel "fat". And I am exhausted! I am 7dpo, which is still early, but yesterday and today by 4:00 I feel like I could go to sleep for the night! I hope this is a good sign! I am mainly listing all my symptoms for my info in the future :)

I am debating whether I want to test early or not. I haven't let myself go buy pregnancy tests, so that way I test! I would rather not see a BFN.... maybe I'll just let the doctor tell me for sure next Thursday.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Flip flop

I sure was confident yesterday, huh? Today... notsomuch. Why is it that we do this to ourselves? This morning I was sitting on the couch before work, and I was thinking... what if this time isn't the time, what if it doesn't work???

I still firmly believe that God can do ANYTHING! but is now the time that He will bless me? or will I have to wait?

I don't know why yesterday I just knew I was going to get a BFP and today I'm not so sure - except maybe I can blame it on google. I am still having cramping, and I feel super bloated (I actually have my pants unbuttoned right now.. shhhh... don't tell the co-workers!)... so I started googling every.single.symptom. Surprise, surprise, others with these symptoms at only 3-4 dpo exist. And guess what? Some of them were pregnant, and some of them weren't. What was I looking for? I dunno - maybe a website that said "Yep Mrs. you are going to be pregnant this month" but I didn't find that.

So... now I am just trying to find other ways to keep myself occupied. That way I don't get all crazy about everything! Think I'll go to the gym after work and see if that clears my mind - is anyone else like me and puts off going to the gym because they don't want to mess anything up? I am always worried that that extra time on the elliptical might work against me. :)

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

All things are possible

Not much new to report here... I am definitely having cramps still though (I am 3dpo). I could read into it all I want to, but it won't change the fact that I am not going to know anything for sure until next week. I feel really crampy and kinda bloated. Could just be how I am after I ovulated... could be that I am making a baby... *sigh* it's going to be a long 2 weeks...

It is sooo hard for me not to let my mind wander... I mean IF I was pregnant, then the holidays would be perfect time to tell the family, IF I was pregnant then when we go on our trip I would be 6 month, IF I was pregnant then I would be 7 months for my brothers wedding (possibly could still fit into the dress!), IF I was pregnant then I would have a summer baby, IF, IF, IF...

(side note, I just realized that the word "if" is also the abbreviation for infertility "IF" hmm...)

I was talking to the Mr. last night, and I just can't help it, my hopes are up really high this month. I know this could be a HUGE let down! I always try to talk myself out of it. But I just can't this time. At church awhile back the preacher spoke about how you should pray and expect it to happen. If you are praying for something that you don't think is possible what's the point (he didn't say it like that, that is just my summary :) ) "...With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." (Matthew 19:26)

So, I am hopeful, I will take the risk.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

O day

First off - thank you guys so much for the feedback! It definitely eased my crazy mind!

Second - I definitely think I ovulated this morning. I was having some major cramping! It's gone now, so that must have been it.

I really hope it works this time!! We've done all we can do, so now we just wait...

Okay - I promise I won't write about "waiting" everyday for the next 2 weeks :)
I don't know if I mentioned on here or not, but my brother is getting married in April. I was asked to be in the wedding. I am SO excited! I love his fiance! So, I had to go ahead and order my dress over a month ago. The dress was on sale, and is going to be discontinued so all of us bridesmaids had to go ahead and get the dress just-in-case it is discontinued before the wedding. Well - that left me with a small problem. I am usually a size 2 - well the wedding (at the time I bought the dress) was 8 months away. I am trying to get pregnant. The dress is being discontinued. What size do I get???

I figured, there is a good chance I would get pregnant before the wedding (positive thoughts!!) So I ordered a size 10. That is obviously going to look ridiculous on me - especially if I am not pregnant and have to get it altered. I went to pick it up yesterday. I didn't even take it out of the bag, what's the point? I talked to the lady at the store and she said that as long as the dress is still being made (which it is right now) they could reorder another size if I needed it.

I'm not trying to worry about it right now. If all else fails, I just won't be in it. As long as I'm there, it's all good!

Friday, October 2, 2009

Oh geez, here I go

I am just going to go ahead and start stressing - mkay

So I did the Orvidrel shot last night (around 5:30) I have been googling and listening to you guys - so I should ovulate around 36 hours from that, right? So, why am I having major cramping right now? It is on my lower left side like next to my hip - and they have been there for the past couple hours.

Last month I got this same pain on my right side and it was around 36 hours or so after the shot. So I assumed it was me ovulating. Am I just overreacting? I just reallllly want this to work, and I am trying to plan around it! The Mr. is out of town this weekend but said he could come home for a little bit tomorrow (ya know, just to hang out, wink wink).

I guess either way, whether I am ovulating now or whether it will happen tomorrow, I've done what I can.

Gosh, I can only imagine what I'm going to be like when I do get pregnant! I will seriously be a crazy person!

2ww

I am officially in the 2 week wait.

Yesterday the nurse called me and left a message. She said that after reviewing my bloodwork, my estrogen level was around 400 (I think - I really don't try to keep track of all the numbers!) So they left it up to me and the Mr. if we wanted to continue or cancel this cycle. She said that if I continued with the cycle I would have about a 30% chance of twins and a 10% chance of triplets. I like how they left it up to us - we, of course, said Yep we're going for it!

Last night I did the shot of Orvidrel. Which, by the way, is so much easier than the Menopur!
Question: When you do the trigger shot, do you count days past ovulation from that, or from when you think you ovulated after you took the shot? So would today be 1dpo, I would think not because I don't think I ovulated yet. I know it takes 24-48 hours after the shot.

I am very hopeful with this cycle. And that scares me! I can easily say - if this doesn't work this time, there's always next time. And - if this doesn't work, then that is God's plan, it will happen when it's supposed to....
But really, I am hopeful.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Still waiting

First off - my appointment. I was sooo worried because I was feeling very "full" so I thought I may have over stimulated. The nurse did the ultrasound and saw a few follicles. The doctor came in too, so I had both of them reviewing it. I was thinking that none of them were big enough, but what do I know! I forgot all of the numbers by now, but it was like 3 at 15mm, and a couple more that were smaller. The doctor said that he would have to look at my bloodwork to see if this cycle is a go. As I have said before, he is very conservative and doesn't really like to have multiples (which I think is like most doctors). He did ask me straight up how I felt about twins. I told him I am fine with twins, but anything over that scares me! As long as they are healthy! So, again I'm waiting on the phone call telling me what to do next. I am praying so hard that I can trigger and this cycle is good to go! And I am on my knees asking God that this cycle work and we get our healthy baby!

On another note - I came across this verse last night:

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." (Matthew 7:7-8)

It is easy to read this and think - okay I asked for a child, now I should get one. I really started praying over this last night. I always include, "if it is in Your will". I truly only want what is in God's will.

I heard somewhere - God answers all prayers. It is either yes, not right now, or let me show you another way. I love that! I feel very peaceful about all that the Mr. and I are going through and I know it is because I have given God all of my worry. If this cycle wasn't ment to be, I just have to trust that God is in control. Easier said than done, I know.

If any of you have some extra time - throw a few prayers my way! I am really praying that this is THE cycle!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Counting down days

Two more days until I go in for my appointment. It is sooo hard not to wish away your days, looking forward to something else!

I have been feeling a little crampy lately. That's good right? That means there is something going on in there! I am soo hoping that there are some follicles big enough to trigger! The Mr. has a thing for work this weekend. He'll be gone from Friday until Sunday. So... if I did trigger Thursday night, I already told him to be prepared to have to come home either Friday night or Saturday at some point! Thankfully he can. So, that's one less thing to stress over!

Last night I had a really hard time with the injections. I don't know why... I've been doing pretty well with them. I think I got too cocky :) I always try to do it in around the same spot every night, I guess because I know it doesn't hurt there. I have done it too low before, and it hurt so freakin bad! So, now I have a small bruise on the right side of my stomach... it was that sides turn and I couldn't decide where to do it without doing it right on the bruise! Crazy, I know. I put WAAAYY too much thought into it! So (after like 30 min. in the bathroom - seriously) I ended up doing it on the other side again.

Only 2 more nights and then my appointment. That's what I keep saying! There is so much waiting with infertility!

"Be still, and know that I am God..." (Psalm 46:10)

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Sunday afternoon

Well ICLW is coming to an end. I really enjoy getting to know of you ladies! It is so comforting to know that I am not alone. I hope some of you stop back by :) I am ending the week the same way I began it... waiting... Only this time I am waiting for my doctors appointment on Thursday, for them to hopefully tell me it's time to trigger!

As far as my injections go - I only have 1 bruise so far, so that's good, right?! I am amazed at how comfortable I am now with them. I am supposed to be getting another shipment in the mail on Tuesday. I am not feeling much cramping but I do feel pretty fat. Like I can't suck in my tummy. I guess that's a good sign. We shall see!

Hope everyone had a great weekend.

Friday, September 25, 2009

So it begins (again)...

The nurse called yesterday afternoon and said that everything looked good to start the injections again. The doctor actually did up my dose. I am going to be taking 1 1/2 vials (which is 112 IU) last night and tonight, then I will just do the 1 vial (75 IU) for the next 4 days, and I will go back to the doctor next Thursday.

I did the first injection last night. It hurt, I'm not even going to lie! I don't know if it was because it was more concentrated, or because I forgot since last month how they felt. But it definitely hurt. It's funny though - because I know tonight when I do it again, I won't think of the pain, I'll just think of what this could (hopefully!!) result in!

I went on a walk with a friend yesterday... this girl has 3 kids, and has had exactly 0 problems having them. It makes me sad, but at the same time I have to look at the positives (if I don't I would go into serious depression!) They got pregnant while they were still in college - they were completely broke. She thought they would have to put the baby up for adoption because she couldn't see how they would manage! The Mr. and I have "planned" when to start trying for a baby. So before I even got off the pill, (ha! what a joke, right?!) we were ready financially for a child. Since it hasn't happened, we have just been saving the whole time. It is very comforting to know we have a nest egg for when we DO get pregnant.

I just keep faith that we will have a baby, and when we do it will be in God's perfect time! And we will be able to look back on everything and say, See that's why everything happened the way it did!

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (Philippians 4:6)

Thursday, September 24, 2009

My appointment

Well I had my RE appointment this morning. They did an ultrasound and saw that my follicles have gone down! YAY! There is one on my right ovary (about 15mm). I have always had one that just floats (?) around in there. It isn't attached to my ovary, so the doctor isn't worried about it. Sometimes it looks like it's on my ovary, sometimes it isn't... kinda weird, huh? Anyway, that's the only one they saw.

The doctor actually came in and talked to me too. (Is it this way for any of you? Most of the time I go in and the nurse does my bloodwork and ultrasound, then they call me later that afternoon and let me know what the dr said. On rare occasions the doctor actually comes in and talks with me. So, today he did.) He said that since my last cycle took about 13 days of injections before I was ready for the trigger, he might up my dosage of Menopur. He is very conscious of not wanting me to over-stimulate, so he would have me come back next week if that's what we do. I am hoping that I can do the upped dosage so that my cycle is shorter :)

I am ready to get this started again!! I am thinking positive - it will work this time! (If only that's all it took) I am just waiting to get the call from the nurse with my instructions.

But if we hope for what is still unseen by us, we wait for it with patience and composure. (Romans 8:25)

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Mr.

What can I say about my husband? He is seriously the most wonderful, loving, handsome, perfect guy on earth :) He has been so wonderful through everything - all the doctors appointments, venting, crying, medicines, everything.

The Mr. has been "in" on everything that has gone on. I go to the doctor, and he is the first person I call to tell what happened, what was said, and what the next step is. My last full cycle (in June) he even sat by me when I gave myself the injections. Once I had my follicles and did my trigger shot, he was the first person I shouted to - Tonight's the night!! We have to do it!! (obviously, who else would I shout that too???) When I got the call that I was pregnant, I couldn't even wait to do a big surprise for him, I called him right after I hung up from the nurse. When I got the call that I was going to miscarry, again I called him right after I hung up from the nurse...

After our miscarriage, I had to wait a month before I could make another appointment. During this time, the Mr. and I had a lot of long, deep conversations. Knowing that there wasn't anything we really could have done differently, The Mr. decided that he would rather be in the dark about everything. I think he felt the pressure of me saying "Tonight's the night..." Understandable. So this last cycle (that just ended last week) I kept everything to myself. If it came up, I would tell him things (like why I was leaving the house so early - to go to the doctor).

I also have become more withdrawn in talking with other people. I only had a couple good friends that I would share everything with. Since the miscarriage, I feel more vulnerable, and feel the need to protect (?) myself more... does that even make sense? I let my family know what was going on and our Sunday School class - but I don't let them know the specifics (i.e. drs appointments, medication I'm on, dates of anything...)

I use this blog to vent and also to keep track of where I've been and where I'm going with everything. I am so happy that I am participating in ICLW! I love hearing other's stories and I love knowing that there are others like me out there. I appreciate everyone's comments and am doing my best to make comments on others :) I am okay with not filling in the Mr. with the specifics because I can come here and let it all out! Thanks ladies for sharing such personal information, you never know who will read it, and who it will encourage!

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. (1 John 4:7)

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Peace out

It is truly amazing how much peace I feel about my IF right now. I think I could easily allow myself to become obsessed and stressed over the situation. But really... I have absolutely no control over it! Normally this would freak me out (I am a planner... see below!) but knowing that God is the one that is in control gives me such peace!

This does not mean that I don't get sad over it. I just read a blog, this woman just gave birth and she wrote about her birth story. Now, I am not one to be bitter about other women getting pregnant or anything, but I can't help but feel the tug at my heart. It is the most beautiful miracle - a child being born, and I pray that God allow me to experience this too.

I am really hoping that when I go into my doctors appointment on Thursday that my follicles will have gone down. Wonder why they don't? My bloodwork was baseline, so shouldn't they just go away?! I am sure it has something to do with my PCOS. Fun times. Since I have nothing to do after work today or tomorrow, Thursday morning seems like it will take forever to get here!

I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. (Psalm 40:1)

Monday, September 21, 2009

ICLW: September

I have never participated in ICLW before! This is exciting!

A little about me:

- Believer in Jesus Christ
- 27
- Married to the most wonderful man!!
- Have a sweet dog!
- Been trying to get pregnant since August 2008
- Have PCOS
- Had a miscarriage a couple months ago
- Found out that Metformin and Menopur (injections) work for me
- Am a planner!
- Mostly positive :)

Um.... that's all I can think of right now! Our journey is on the sidebar to the right.

Currently I am on CD5 - I am supposed to go back to the doctor on Thursday for another ultrasound and more bloodwork. Hopefully they will tell me to start the injections so we can begin again!

Thanks for stopping by! I look forward to hearing your stories!

Friday, September 18, 2009

TGIF!

The nurse called me yesterday after my appointment to tell me my next step. She said all my bloodwork was baseline, so I do not need to be on birth control pills. But the Doctor wanted to see those follicles go down more before I started another cycle of injections. So, I go back in next Thursday. Wonder why my follicles insist on sticking around? I'll have to google that...

I am thankful for this cycle. This is the first cycle I've had (since I was at least 15 or 16) that has been complete. I ovulated, and I got my period. It hurt like hell, I'm not even gonna lie! Even this morning I woke up at 1:00 a.m. with major cramping! I just kept moaning, and accidentally woke the Mr. up too! They have pretty much gone away now, but I am exhaused from not getting a good night sleep the past 2 nights!

Tonight the Mr. and I are going to have a date night. Nothing fancy, just going out to dinner. And guess what? I'm going to have a glass of wine :)

If we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. (Romans 8:25)

Thursday, September 17, 2009

CD1

Yep, this morning at about 4:00 a.m. I started my period. It is soooo indescribably painful! Therefore, I've been up since 4 this morning. Not fun.

I already had my 2 week appointment set up for 7:45 this morning. I wasn't sure if they would still want to see me since I had started, but yep they said come on in. So I figured they would just do bloodwork. Then I figured I'd have to come back for an ultrasound. Nope. They did the ultrasound too. Not very comfortable!

The nurse saw all of my follicles just hanging out. I don't know why mine don't seem to go away after I ovulate! So, I may have to get on birth control to minimize those. They will call me this afternoon to let me know my next step.

I pretty much knew this cycle didn't work. I feel like I am okay with everything (besides these horrific cramps causing me pain!) I am ready to start again! Bring on the injections!!

Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall. (Psalm 55:22)

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

God is in control!

This past weekend was so great! I always love not having anything planned, and it just being me and the Mr. hanging out doing whatever! It was very relaxing! And I made some homemade bread, which was delicious!

So, today I have just been feeling sad. Don't know why. Just sad. I feel like I could just cry. I don't know if it is just on the surface - the weather is gross outside, I should be about to start my period.... or if it is deeper - I am worried I will never get pregnant, I am scared of what the future holds...

The Mr. and I have had talks over the past few months about moving. Niether of us are from Alabama, we don't have family here, we didn't have friends here before we moved. We literally just packed up our stuff and moved. (It's a long story!) But we have come to love this area! I think we have grown together and spiritually here. Long-term though, we really want to live closer to family. Majority of his are in DC, and mine is in North Carolina. With the Mr.'s job, he will probably be able to transfer after the first of the year. This makes me soooo excited!

Anyway, we just don't know what our future holds right now. I know that NO one does, but there are a lot of "if's" in ours. I find that I try so hard to control the situation.

I know that this cycle didn't work. I have to call tomorrow to set up an appointment. I find that I am somewhat "okay" with this. I really feel like God will make us parents! It will just come in His perfect time. I just need to pray for patience. And I need to learn to let go - knowing that God will take care of things!

"Many are the plans in a man's heart but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." (Proverbs 19:21)

Friday, September 11, 2009

Ups and Downs

Well I am going through a lot of ups and downs with my emotions. Infertility is so hard!

On Wednesday night I met with a girl from church. We do a woman's bible study together and in that class we have prayer partners. She has been mine for the past week and a half. We just chatted about everything. She asked me all about PCOS and infertility and what the Mr. and I are going through. I am very open to people when they ask. - Actually I am very open in a SMALL group of 1 or 2 people, not-so-much in a large crowd. - She asked me if I was really okay with everything, or if I disassociated myself with the situation, because I was so freely talking about everything. Good question. I was so confident that I was "fine" with it. But when I really think about the situation, I don't know if I am so "fine". I am definitely sad, and I often wonder how much longer we will have to wait.

I know that God is in control and I take comfort in that. It is almost a relief that I am not in charge (and I am definitely an "in charge" kinda person).

Anyway, I felt very refreshed when I left her house, I felt comforted, I felt prayed for, I felt the presence of God.

Then yesterday afternoon, I got a call from another girl at church. She wanted to call to tell me she was pregnant. I told her how happy I am for her - and I am. She said she had a really heavy heart about me and how to tell me, and so on. I told her, that I hated that she even had such feelings about it when it is such an exciting time! She reassured me that she was still praying hard for us, and I am glad she told me.

I jumped in the shower and cried.

Not because she is pregnant. I truly am happy for them. But because I am not. I don't think this cycle worked. That means another round of injections. Another month to go by. And through it all I STILL have PCOS. It isn't going away. I will forever have this, and that is a hard thing for me to take in.

So, I am having a down day today. I told myself last night that it is okay to be sad. But I can't help but think that being sad means I am weak, and it makes me feel like I don't trust God. I prayed so hard that God would comfort me - just reach down and wrap me up in His loving arms. I pray that He will show himself to me in my dreams, just to reassure me that He is there.

I am having absolutely no signs of pregnancy. I still have another week before I go back to the doctor. I just want to cover myself in prayer right now. I want to feel the peace and contentment I felt just a few days ago.

"Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. Morning by morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; morning by morning I lay my requests before you and I wait in expectation." -(Ps. 5:2-3)

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Not much new

There isn't anything going on here. The Mr. and I got back from out of town. We had a GREAT time! It was so nice to see the family. It was also really nice to just get away!

So I did my trigger shot last Thursday... then on Saturday morning to early afternoon I had the worst cramps!!! Maybe I ovulated on that day??? The last time (I compare everything to last time - because last time worked!!) I didn't have any pains of O but I am guessing that is what it was. I had follicles on both sides this time, and the cramps were mainly on my left side.

Anyway - I am trying to notice symptoms :) I know it is wayyy too early, but I just can't help it. Again - last time - I never got sore breast, but I got sore nipples. My nipples have been sore the past couple days, but of course, today they aren't. I tend to over-analyze things. Don't we all in this situation?! Is that a cramp? I am feeling a little nauseous! Do I feel a twinge? Is that smell making me sick? I think I am starting to crave pickles and peanut butter! ETC.......
It can easily take over!

I don't know what "day" I'm on right now. I don't know if I'm supposed to count from my trigger day, or the day I *think* I ovulated. So I'm either 6 dpo or I'm 4 dpo. Either way, I am going to try not to buy a pregnancy test, I'm just going to start my period or let the doctor tell me.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Here we go

Well The Mr. and I are headed out of town for a long weekend! I am so excited! We are going to see my parents - it is much needed! I haven't seen them since before our miscarriage. I am hoping for a relaxing weekend!

I triggered last night, and today I am feeling very crampy! Maybe ovulation?! Last time I didn't feel anything different, and obviously I ovulated. So... I am assuming I am ovulating now. The Ovidrel is supposed to make you ovulate anywhere from 24 to 48 hours after injection.

I am feeling really good about this cycle. I have all my trust in God and WHATEVER the outcome, I know that I have truly given it to God. When we get back (on Tuesday) I will be almost half-way finished with the two week wait!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Missed a pill?

I was instructed a few months back to take my Metformin at night - 2 pills at night. My routine is to have the pill bottle sitting out next to our stove (under the cabinet I keep it in). This way when I am putting away my dishes from dinner, I will see the pills and remember to take them. After I take them I put them away (in the cabinet) so I will know I took them.

Well, last night I was on the phone. I am pretty sure I remember taking those big pills... but... I didn't put them back in the cabinet. So right before I went to bed, I noticed that the pill bottle was still out. Did I take them? Do I still need to take them? What do I do? I googled. I came to the conclusion that it was better that I miss them than double up on them. So I didn't take them (again?)

Now, I am worried. What if this cycle doesn't work. Will it be because I MIGHT have forgotten to take the pills one night? *sigh* What's a girl to do?

I take comfort in knowing that the Metformin alone has not made me ovulate. So I really don't know what the heck it is doing. Except maybe upsetting my tummy. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.

Tonight I am triggering!!! Woo hoo!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

End in sight

I had ANOTHER appointment this morning. In the ultrasound the nurse said that everything, "looked soo good!" I had about 4 follicles, 22mm, 16mm, 13mm, and 12mm that she said were the ones to watch. She called a little bit ago and said to do one more Menopur shot tonight, then tomorrow night do my Orvidrel trigger shot! Yay!!!

So... I should be ovulating within the next 3 days or so. And then it is the 2 week wait. (Though it seems like it is much longer than 2 weeks...)

I am totally feeling God's presence in this. I always say a prayer in my car before I go into the doctors appointments, then I say one after I leave. Today's wasy "Yessss! Thank you!" because I just felt different. I knew that I was probably going to be able to trigger soon. God is so amazing, and He really has a way of letting himself be known. I really pray that this is it!!! but if it isn't, then I just pray that He will continue to comfort me and I know I'll get through it.

Isn't it amazing how sometimes you can feel closer to God through the trials in your life?

Monday, August 31, 2009

Please continue

I had my appointment this morning. The ultrasound showed that I have a couple follicles that seem to be getting bigger (yay) but they aren't big enough (aww). The nurse said that she figured I would have a couple more days to do the shots.

They called this afternoon after reviewing my bloodwork, and said, please continue.

I figured.

On the phone the nurse said that my estrogen level is going up, so the Dr. thought it would be within the next couple days. I go back on Wednesday morning. That is good! At least I'm making some progress! Let's think positive people!

On another note: I feel so blessed to have insurance!!! Thank you God for providing us with that! I only paid a copay on my first visit to the RE, and since then $0, nada, nothing. On my Metformin - $4, yep Four Dollars. And on the Menopur I have a $60 copay, reguardless of how much I get. I know I have read some blogs out there that everything is out of pocket. We just wouldn't be able to do that. The RE visits alone are around $300 each time - and I obviously go a lot! Insurance is a big ole pain (I used to work at an insurance agency) but when you need it, it sure does come in handy!

Two more days of shots... and I am doing well with it. I am in the mind set of "one day at a time" and that really helps.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Tomorrow...

is my next appointment. Hopefully they will see some progress in the follicles, and hopefully I will be able to do my trigger shot!

I have been feeling cramps off and on. That should be a good sign. I have also been pretty nauseous the past few days. I am guessing it is the medicine?? I will have to ask about that tomorrow. I am never nauseous.

The shots are definitely getting easier. Maybe it's just because my attitude has changed :)

Thursday, August 27, 2009

One day at a time

I had my doctors appointment this morning. The nurse did the ultrasound and, just as I suspected, there were no growing follicles. I told her I didn't *feel* like it worked, not like how I felt last time anyway. The doctor actually came in and sat and talked with me too. He said that we would know more after my bloodwork came back. He said that with most people it takes upward to 10 days or so before results. So I guess 5 days was really early. BUT it worked last time... and that is why he brought me in. Since I have lean PCOS, he doesn't want to risk me overstimulating and us ending up with multiples (he means more that 2). He said that the prognosis was still very good.

They just called and said to continue doing what I'm doing, and they'll see me back on Monday morning. My estrogen levels are slightly rising, so hopefully after this weekend of shots I'll be ready to fertilize an egg!

So... a few more days of shots.

In church this past Sunday, our preacher started talking about taking each day, one day at a time. He used the passage:
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:34
I need to write this down and look at it everyday! I am such a worrier! The preacher went on to talk about a man that had a severely disabled son. For 33 years this man and his wife bathed, dressed, fed, did everything for their son. This mans other child asked him, how in the world did you do this everyday for 33 years?! The man said, I didn't, I just did it one day at a time.

I feel like this a lot. It is so difficult to think - I am going to be dealing with infertility for so long, and I am going to be battling with PCOS for - forever! Instead, just to think I can do this TODAY, and that's what matters. Me dealing with taking these shots is a small scale - but still if I think, can I do this today? and the answer is yes. Then I have done well. If you try to look too far into the future and worrying about what that will bring, or what you will face, you are bound to get stressed out and hopeless.

So, starting today - I am going to concur this one day at a time!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Hopefully the last one

Tonight was hopefully the last shot I have to do...
and I had a breakdown. I haven't cried like that since our miscarriage. I don't even know what got into me. I really felt like this cycle wasn't working. The last time I did these Menopur shots, I felt so crampy and bloated by day 5. That was when I had 2 big follicles. This time around I haven't felt anything, it is a bit discouraging.

So, tonight I just let everything build up and pour out. The Mr. just held me and let me cry. I am just feeling helpless... it is so frustrating dealing with infertility. It makes trying to have a baby so mechanical. Part of me kind of feels like the rest of the world just have stopped too - since we can't have a baby right now I feel like no one else should be able to either. Selfish, I know. I just can't help it.

I just finished my shot. It is getting easier. Tomorrow morning I have an appointment. I have been praying that things go smoothly. Yesterday I was at such peace with this cycle, and today I am completely upside down about it. We'll see how things go tomorrow.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Getting better

Last night wasn't as bad. I just get so nervous thinking about the shots! I did it all by myself though :) Hopefully I won't have to go through another round!

I am feeling a peace about this cycle. (ask me during the 2 week wait if I am still at "peace") but for now I truly feel God's presence in this. I have stayed in a somewhat constant prayer with God. Not just about me/my infertility, but also my friends and family and others that I know need prayer. I know that God's work is being done, and I am okay with whatever path He takes me down. I desire that path to end with a healthy child of our own, but I know that I am learning to just "let go, and let God" and everything will work out perfectly.

Yesterday in church, our pastor preached about parenting. While I know that some that are going through infertility could have had a hard time with this - I really feel like I learned something. I want sooo bad to be a good, christain mom. I yearn for the chance to teach my child about Jesus. The message was just about loving your children, set boundaries but love them in the process. I can't wait to be able to put that message to my life!

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Trying again!

I started my injections last night. They didn't go so well. I got myself really worked up and nervous before I gave myself the shot. It took me forever just to stick myself... then once I did, my hand was shaking so bad that I couldn't even push it in! I had to call The Mr. to come do it for me. Not good. I have got to get over this! Hopefully tonight will be better. I don't even know why I get so nervous! It stings (just like a regular shot) but it really isn't that bad! I will try again tonight.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Nervous

I start my injections again tomorrow night, and I have to admit- I am pretty nervous about it. Last time I did really well the first night. I thought, "piece of cake!" Then the second night, I think I went too low because good golly it hurt sooo bad! And it left a bruise! I think that made me more scared to do it. After that night everytime I would go to stick myself I would hesitate!

I keep telling myself it will be soo worth it! And it looks like that is my "answer" on how to get myself ovulating. I must think positive! This is going to be it! :)

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Got the meds

My lovely injections came in the mail yesterday. I already had a box, but the nurse said she would go ahead and order 3 more boxes of Menopur "just in case" and I needed another Orvidrel shot. Hopefully I won't need all of the Menopur. I have been a lot more reserved about telling people what's going on this time around. It isn't even that I'm not trying to - I just am not wanting to. It is no longer "fun" and "exciting". Before it was so exciting to be starting something new that would hopefully work. Now I feel like it is just what has to be done. Don't get me wrong - I am still excited to be getting the ball rolling again. But it just doesn't feel worthy of making a big huge deal.

I feel much more guarded. I have a feeling that I will feel like this until I am in the hospital holding our beautiful, healthy baby. God is so great, and He has definitely provided me with strength and peace about the situation. I start the injections on Saturday night. The only problem? We are going over to a friends house for dinner. And The Mr. has decided that he doesn't want to know everything (unless I need to talk to someone). It really is a lot of pressure to do the injections, do the trigger shot, then say okay tonights the night - it's now or in a month... So, I figure I'll just have to do it early, before we leave.

I almost wish I could just start tonight, just so I can stop thinking about when I'm going to start!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

The next step

I just got a call from the doctor. The cyst they saw was just the big follicle going back down. Didn't ovulate on my own... kinda figured. So....... I start back with the injections on Saturday. Same as before. One shot of the Menopur every night. Then I go back to them next Thursday morning to see what's going on in there!

I am excited to get the ball rolling again! I pray that God leads us down the path that He wants us on - and I also pray for a healthy, full-term baby!

My appointment!

Yesterday I called to make an appointment with my RE. The nurse on the phone said that we should wait until I started my period before I came in - so they could start a "fresh cycle". Well, Ms. Nurse... I haven't started my period without drugs since I was 15! So she said, Oh in that case how's tomorrow morning? Haha!

So this morning, bright and early, I went in to have the normal: bloodwork and ultrasound. It is amazing how comfortable I am with these ultrasounds now... Anyway, they did the ultrasound and she said, Girl I think you ovulated. Huh??? Or else it is just leftover from the enormous follicle I had last month. She said my bloodwork would confirm which it was.

If I did ovulate - then we would just wait until I started a period (or see if I was pregnant! please, o please!!) but if it was just a follicle dissipating, then I could start the lovely injections right away.

The doctor actually came in too - most of the time I don't even see him. He just wanted to see if I had any questions/concerns. He said that I am "past the hump" because I did get pregnant - and that is HUGE! I just have to keep reminding myself that I can get pregnant... now I just have to stay that way! He said that this was a "great prognosis", so that made me feel better too.

Now I am just waiting on the phone call with instructions on the next step!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

A bit of a vent...

I am so frustrated!! I can't help it. The more I think about my "syndrome" the more frustrated I get! I should just be thankful that I got pregnant on the FIRST egg that I have ovulated in over 10 years! But at the same time, it frustrates me that it is soo hard to get me to ovulate. I almost laugh when I look back at how naive I was when I first got off the pill! It was supposed to be easy! I hate this!

I look at some moms out there that didn't even want kids, or have kids and don't take care of them! What the heck?! Why is it that 2 loving people that WANT children just can't have them?! On top of that, when I look at ways to increase ovulation in people with PCOS - do you know what the solution is? Loose weight. Well, I am 5'2 and weight 110 pounds. So, um, no, that won't be happenin.

One day I feel like - I'm over it, I am fine and dandy and it will happen when it is supposed to. Then other days (today) I feel like - This is NEVER going to happen and I want it to SO bad!

....Deep breath.... and now I feel guilty for even thinking that way at all! I just want to curl up in bed and sleep away the day. I know a girl that is 25 that is battling breast cancer right now, I have a cousin that is battling seizures, there are people at The Mr.'s job that are dealing with death, I should be SO thankful for what I DO have. and I am. I truly am blessed.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Still waiting

So, I am still patiently waiting. I am not supposed to call to make another appointment with my RE until mid-late August. Since I actually miscarried on July 21, I figured next week I'll give them a call. I am getting a little impatient.

I am still on Metformin, they told me to stay on this all the way through some of my pregnancy. I am kinda hanging on some hope of that making me ovulate. I have read that in some women that's all it takes. I really, really hate doing the shots! If that's what I have to do, obviously I will, but if I could just cycle on my own, that would be wonderful!! I just have to put faith in God and know that He will do what's best for me.

Since I haven't ovulated since I was 15/16 years old, I really have no clue what signs to even look for IF I did cycle on my own.

Just one more week of waiting...

Friday, August 7, 2009

Giving thanks

I was doing my bible study last night and I came across this verse:

"give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
- 1 Thessalonians 5:18

It really made me stop and think. God made me infertile for a reason, He knew I would concieve and have a miscarriage, and He knows what will happen next. I was SO sad, and mad, and I didn't know how to deal with the rollar coaster of excitment followed by the extreme downfall. Reading this put things into perspective for me. "Give thanks in all circumstances", that means the good and the bad. God has a way of glorifing himself through all situations.

In thinking this way, I noticed that because of our miscarriage we opened ourselves up to our family and our church family. After doing this I found out that one of my sister-in-laws has had a miscarriage, a cousin has had one, a couple of my sister-in-laws have struggled with infertility (both which have biological children now)... and we were brought closer to a couple in our Sunday school class that is going through infertility. I would probably never have known this if we didn't open up about our situation. I have felt overwhelming support from everyone that we have told.

So, I give thanks to God for infertility and all the bumps along the way. I truly believe that The Mr. and I are going to be blessed with children of our own. I pray that God helps me see His path through all of this and to not get frusturated or angry.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Normal?

I think things are kinda back to normal now. I can still get sad about it, but I would rather look forward. The Dr said to call back mid to end of August and that's when I can go back in. I wish I could just get started again right now.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Another sad day

Last night I started cramping really bad. When I woke up this morning I was still cramping, but I went into work anyway. I lasted 1 hour and then came back home. I started bleeding. I am having a miscarriage. It is so painful.

I have really been praying to God and just asking that He lead me on the path that He wants me to be on. I am so proud of The Mr. and I because together we are such a strong team. I thank God everyday that The Mr. is in my life. I have such a wonderful, understanding famly too, and I just thank God for all the blessings I have in my life.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Confirmation

I had another round of bloodtests this morning, and the Dr called this afternoon to confirm what we already knew. I think I have allowed myself to accept this. It is just really difficult because I haven't actually miscarried.

I called my mom a few days ago and told her everything. She didn't even know we were pregnant. I just poured my heart out. Today The Mr. and I decided to tell our Sunday School class. We have such a wonderful church. I sent out an email to our class just to let them know what was going on with us. I have decided that the more prayers the better. I feel a weight off my sholders now that we have let people in on our story. I have gotten such wonderful responses from the email. I am going to tell the rest of our family tomorrow.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Bad news...

I went in for bloodwork this morning and waited anxiously for the call this afternoon. The nurse called at about 3:30 and said that my Beta number had dropped. She said this didn't look good at all. Basically she said to prepare myself because it looked like this was going to be a chemical pregnancy.

Tonight at work, I had a night meeting. This meant that after I got this horrible news, I had to go put on a happy face for 5 more hours. I called The Mr. right after the nurse called me and he also had a late meeting he had to go to.

When I got in the car from the meeting to come home, I just cried and cried. I talked to God and asked why. I am not mad at God, but I just don't understand. I am soo sad. I don't know if I have ever felt like this. What a short time we had with this tiny baby, and I am so unbelievable sad. The Mr. and I have both decided to call in sick tomorrow.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Spotting

What a scary day today is!! I woke up this morning and was spotting! It was really dark brown, not red at all, so I figured there wasn't anything to worry about. But still very scary to see that, especially so early in the pregnancy. I am 5 weeks today.

It also worries me because I am no longer feeling bloated. I am actually feeling back to normal. I called the Dr and they gave me an appointment for the morning to get blood test.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Bloodwork

I went in today for bloodwork, and everything looks great! She said that my Beta level didn't get as high as they were hoping, but that my progesterone level was off the charts. She seemed to think everthing is all good!

I feel huge already!

I feel so bloated! My stomach is so big! I know it is just bloat and the Dr said that because my progesterone is so high that can cause me to feel even more bloated. At work yesterday I couldn't even keep my pants buttoned! I keep saying though, I am not going to complain!! :)