Ups and Downs

Well I am going through a lot of ups and downs with my emotions. Infertility is so hard!

On Wednesday night I met with a girl from church. We do a woman's bible study together and in that class we have prayer partners. She has been mine for the past week and a half. We just chatted about everything. She asked me all about PCOS and infertility and what the Mr. and I are going through. I am very open to people when they ask. - Actually I am very open in a SMALL group of 1 or 2 people, not-so-much in a large crowd. - She asked me if I was really okay with everything, or if I disassociated myself with the situation, because I was so freely talking about everything. Good question. I was so confident that I was "fine" with it. But when I really think about the situation, I don't know if I am so "fine". I am definitely sad, and I often wonder how much longer we will have to wait.

I know that God is in control and I take comfort in that. It is almost a relief that I am not in charge (and I am definitely an "in charge" kinda person).

Anyway, I felt very refreshed when I left her house, I felt comforted, I felt prayed for, I felt the presence of God.

Then yesterday afternoon, I got a call from another girl at church. She wanted to call to tell me she was pregnant. I told her how happy I am for her - and I am. She said she had a really heavy heart about me and how to tell me, and so on. I told her, that I hated that she even had such feelings about it when it is such an exciting time! She reassured me that she was still praying hard for us, and I am glad she told me.

I jumped in the shower and cried.

Not because she is pregnant. I truly am happy for them. But because I am not. I don't think this cycle worked. That means another round of injections. Another month to go by. And through it all I STILL have PCOS. It isn't going away. I will forever have this, and that is a hard thing for me to take in.

So, I am having a down day today. I told myself last night that it is okay to be sad. But I can't help but think that being sad means I am weak, and it makes me feel like I don't trust God. I prayed so hard that God would comfort me - just reach down and wrap me up in His loving arms. I pray that He will show himself to me in my dreams, just to reassure me that He is there.

I am having absolutely no signs of pregnancy. I still have another week before I go back to the doctor. I just want to cover myself in prayer right now. I want to feel the peace and contentment I felt just a few days ago.

"Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. Morning by morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; morning by morning I lay my requests before you and I wait in expectation." -(Ps. 5:2-3)