Tuesday, July 24, 2012

What to pray for...

I mentioned before... but I am having a hard time figuring out what to pray for.  I am so scared of being let down, or disappointed...
If I pray for a child, then I run the risk of not getting one and being sad about it.  I run the risk of getting back into the obsession of infertility treatments - which is fine, but I am not ready to be in that place yet.  I run the risk of getting pregnant and then losing a baby... again.  I don't want to go through any of that right now.
If I don't pray for a child... then I run the risk of not getting one.  Which I don't know if I am okay with.

I know this sounds crazy.  I think I just need to decide what I want and then put 100% into it.  I am pretty sure I want another child.  I get the ache when I see a newborn.  I get teary when I see a mom holding her brand new baby.  I can see our family with another child.  I just need to work through being scared of all the other things that go along with wanting a child.

Maybe that's what I should pray for... guidance.  God knows what I can and cannot handle.  I need to pray that I just trust Him. 

Sunday, July 22, 2012


When the Mr. got back into town after the miscarriage and D&C, we had a long talk.  I think we both felt like we couldn't go through something like that again.  If that meant we only had one child, then that's what that meant.

I can't put into words how broken I felt.  We went to church that Sunday and guess what the preacher preached on???  1 Samuel.  Go figure.
I was intrigued.  I found out afterwards that the Mr. wanted to throw a chair across the room!  He was mad at God for that being the message!  ha!  I just figured I needed to hear something in that message... and I was right.
The preacher talked about how Elkanah asked Hannah, "...don't I mean more to you than ten sons?"  The preacher said that it is like there are rooms in your heart... a room for your husband, a room for your family, a room for this and a room for that.... and a room for a child.  No one else can fill that room.  The room is meant for a child.  It is impossible for anyone else to fulfil the need for that room.  So, until that room is full, there will always be an empty "room" in Hannah's heart. 


So true.

That was such a visual way to see the longing for a child.  I told the Mr. that since we had 14 weeks to think we were going to have another child, that was 14 weeks of preparing my heart for another baby, now that I had miscarried, I have an empty "room" that only another child can fill.

But I wasn't - am I'm still not - ready to go back to a fertility specialist.  I am still not ready to say "let's try again!"  We aren't preventing, but I also haven't had another period since June (and no I'm not pregnant... I took a test!)  (Stupid PCOS)  I feel like I have "recovered" from the miscarriage... but the scars are still there.  They won't go away.  Even if/when we do get pregnant again, the scars will be there. 

For now I am content with the Mr and our Little Man!  We shall see what the future holds...

2nd pregnancy and miscarriage...

So, I wanted to elaborate a bit about our 2nd pregnancy and miscarriage.
First of all, when we got pregnant - it was totally a "God thing"... you know what I mean.  We had been to the fertility specialist in January, I called my insurance (I am now on the Mr's, when we concieved Little Man I was on my own) and the insurance told me that they would cover infertility.  Well, they said they would cover everything up to sperm actually meeting egg (i.e. IVF).  After leaving the specialist at the end of February, and getting set up with the injections, I got a call from the drug company that was going to be mailing the meds.  They said that the meds were NOT covered, and it would be over $1200!!!!  What tha?!
I was in tears!
Then about an hour later, I got a call from the nurse at the specialist office... she had my bloodwork results and... I was pregnant!  About 4 weeks!  I was floored!  I kept saying, this is impossible! 
I had a couple more appts to reconfirm, then I had a couple ultrasounds where we heard the precious heartbeat and saw the little peanut. 
I was released from the specialist and went to find an OB.  Remember we had moved to a new area, so I had to get a new one.  We lived in a tiny town near the coast of NC.  There was only 1, yes ONE, OB/GYN in town... when I called, here is how it went down:
Me: I need to make an appointment
Lady: For what?
Me: I'm pregnant!  8 weeks!
Lady: How do you know?
Me: Um... well, I was going to a specialist (an hour away, by the way), and he told me, plus I've taken a pregnancy test, and had ultrasounds...
Lady: We will need to have confirmation of the pregnancy before I can set up an appointment for you.
Me: Huh?
Lady: We need proof

Seriously?!  Is this normal?  Have you ladies had to go through that? 
So, I had to get my records faxed, which took f.o.r.e.v.e.r.
Once that was done, they couldn't get me in for another few weeks... so I was going to be 14 weeks pregnant before I saw the doctor.

So, that made me uneasy, first of all.

The beginning of the pregnancy I felt HORRIBLE!  Nauseous, tired, blah!  I was so glad to have the Mr. to help with Little Man, because I just couldn't do anything!  At 8 weeks, the symptoms stopped.  I felt like something wasn't right, but I figured I was just getting over the initial sickness.

In April, I was almost 14 weeks pregnant and started spotting.  It was really light, really brown, but it was there.  I spotted before my first miscarriage, and never spotted while pregnant with Little Man.  So I was scared!  I went to the ER (in our tiny little town).  I asked for an ultrasound, I was told they don't do one unless there is a chance of an ectopic pregnancy.  I didn't even get in a hospital gown, they didn't take blood, they didn't take a urine sample... they found the heartbeat, did an internal exam, and sent me home.  They said "take it easy," "everything is fine!"  Okay...
The next day, I was cramping but not spotting anymore.  The Mr. went on a week long business trip, so I packed up Little Man, my dog, and drove to my parents (3 hours away) to stay for the week.  When I got to their house, I went to the bathroom and there was bright red blood! 
I went directly to the ER.
It was a different world here!  They put me in a hospital gown, hooked me up to an IV, got a urine sample, did an ultrasound... I was there a long time, but they did everything!  When I saw the ultrasound, I told my mom (who was with me), something is wrong.  The baby is too small.
I was right.  I had miscarried.  The baby was only measuring 9 weeks and there was no heartbeat.  I was soooo mad!  What the heck had the tiny town ER heard?!  They told me THE DAY BEFORE they heard the heartbeat!  And everything was fine!  IT WASN'T!!

The Mr was out of town, so I called him, in tears.  The nurses at the ER were really nice, and really understanding.  They got me in with a doctor the next day to do a D&C... which was nice, since I wasn't a patient in that town. 

My dad was with me when I got the news (mom went to their house to put Little Man to bed).  I felt broken.  I got to my parents and sat in the shower and cried until I couldn't get anything else out.

The next morning (early!) I went back to the hospital and got the D&C.  The procedure itself was fast, easy, I don't remember any of it.  They put me to sleep.  The recovery was long... I think I bled for about 3/4 weeks afterwards.  And it was a lot of bleeding. 

We got a bill for our copay from the tiny town ER, and disputed it.  I mean, they didn't do ANYTHING even after I asked for an ultrasound, they "found" a heartbeat, and they told me it was all okay.  All wrong.  They dismissed the bill.
After that the Mr. put in for a transfer, and we moved two months after that.  To a bigger city!

I don't even think I can compare the 1st miscarriage I had to the 2nd, except to say, that this one really broke me. 

Wow, I'm back!

I have been MIA for quite awhile now!  And I have been through a lot!  But I am going to try to keep up with this blog again!  I really miss it!  So here is what's been going on since last time I blogged:
  • We moved!  From Alabama back to North Carolina (where I am from!)  We transferred with the Mr's job in April 2011.
  • Little man had his 1st birthday September 23, 2011!  It was a beach theme (since we now lived near the coast).
  • We spent lots of time at the beach... it was only 1 hour away!
  • Holidays were awesome, we got to see tons of family!
  • After Little Man's birthday, I stopped breastfeeding, and we played the "what happens happens" card as far as trying for baby #2
  • December 2011 I was real crampy and figured, maybe my period????
  • Beginning of January 2012 I started my period!  All on my own!!  Whoa!  Which meant that the cramps in Dec were me ovulating!  Go body!
  • February I had no clue if I ovulated or not... couldn't tell.
  • End of Feb, we went to a fertility specialist to get the process started for #2
  • SURPRISE I'm pregnant!
  • March/April, I was super nauseous!  A welcome sickness.  It was amazing that I ovulated all on my own, and got pregnant all on my own! 
  • Mid April, spotting.  Confirmed miscarriage... D&C... =(  I was 14 weeks, baby measured 9 weeks
  • May/June- moved again.  (long story, I will do a post)
  • June, started my period! 
  • July...
here we are... that is just an overview... I will have to do a couple detailed posts.  But yes, I had another miscarriage.  Now, I am planning the Mr's birthday (next week), then mine (August), then my Little Man will be 2 in September!! 

Nice to be back!  I've missed you girls!