Recovering.

When the Mr. got back into town after the miscarriage and D&C, we had a long talk.  I think we both felt like we couldn't go through something like that again.  If that meant we only had one child, then that's what that meant.

I can't put into words how broken I felt.  We went to church that Sunday and guess what the preacher preached on???  1 Samuel.  Go figure.
I was intrigued.  I found out afterwards that the Mr. wanted to throw a chair across the room!  He was mad at God for that being the message!  ha!  I just figured I needed to hear something in that message... and I was right.
The preacher talked about how Elkanah asked Hannah, "...don't I mean more to you than ten sons?"  The preacher said that it is like there are rooms in your heart... a room for your husband, a room for your family, a room for this and a room for that.... and a room for a child.  No one else can fill that room.  The room is meant for a child.  It is impossible for anyone else to fulfil the need for that room.  So, until that room is full, there will always be an empty "room" in Hannah's heart. 

Wow.

So true.

That was such a visual way to see the longing for a child.  I told the Mr. that since we had 14 weeks to think we were going to have another child, that was 14 weeks of preparing my heart for another baby, now that I had miscarried, I have an empty "room" that only another child can fill.

But I wasn't - am I'm still not - ready to go back to a fertility specialist.  I am still not ready to say "let's try again!"  We aren't preventing, but I also haven't had another period since June (and no I'm not pregnant... I took a test!)  (Stupid PCOS)  I feel like I have "recovered" from the miscarriage... but the scars are still there.  They won't go away.  Even if/when we do get pregnant again, the scars will be there. 

For now I am content with the Mr and our Little Man!  We shall see what the future holds...