Please continue

I had my appointment this morning. The ultrasound showed that I have a couple follicles that seem to be getting bigger (yay) but they aren't big enough (aww). The nurse said that she figured I would have a couple more days to do the shots.

They called this afternoon after reviewing my bloodwork, and said, please continue.

I figured.

On the phone the nurse said that my estrogen level is going up, so the Dr. thought it would be within the next couple days. I go back on Wednesday morning. That is good! At least I'm making some progress! Let's think positive people!

On another note: I feel so blessed to have insurance!!! Thank you God for providing us with that! I only paid a copay on my first visit to the RE, and since then $0, nada, nothing. On my Metformin - $4, yep Four Dollars. And on the Menopur I have a $60 copay, reguardless of how much I get. I know I have read some blogs out there that everything is out of pocket. We just wouldn't be able to do that. The RE visits alone are around $300 each time - and I obviously go a lot! Insurance is a big ole pain (I used to work at an insurance agency) but when you need it, it sure does come in handy!

Two more days of shots... and I am doing well with it. I am in the mind set of "one day at a time" and that really helps.

Tomorrow...

is my next appointment. Hopefully they will see some progress in the follicles, and hopefully I will be able to do my trigger shot!

I have been feeling cramps off and on. That should be a good sign. I have also been pretty nauseous the past few days. I am guessing it is the medicine?? I will have to ask about that tomorrow. I am never nauseous.

The shots are definitely getting easier. Maybe it's just because my attitude has changed :)

One day at a time

I had my doctors appointment this morning. The nurse did the ultrasound and, just as I suspected, there were no growing follicles. I told her I didn't *feel* like it worked, not like how I felt last time anyway. The doctor actually came in and sat and talked with me too. He said that we would know more after my bloodwork came back. He said that with most people it takes upward to 10 days or so before results. So I guess 5 days was really early. BUT it worked last time... and that is why he brought me in. Since I have lean PCOS, he doesn't want to risk me overstimulating and us ending up with multiples (he means more that 2). He said that the prognosis was still very good.

They just called and said to continue doing what I'm doing, and they'll see me back on Monday morning. My estrogen levels are slightly rising, so hopefully after this weekend of shots I'll be ready to fertilize an egg!

So... a few more days of shots.

In church this past Sunday, our preacher started talking about taking each day, one day at a time. He used the passage:

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Matthew 6:34

I need to write this down and look at it everyday! I am such a worrier! The preacher went on to talk about a man that had a severely disabled son. For 33 years this man and his wife bathed, dressed, fed, did everything for their son. This mans other child asked him, how in the world did you do this everyday for 33 years?! The man said, I didn't, I just did it one day at a time.

I feel like this a lot. It is so difficult to think - I am going to be dealing with infertility for so long, and I am going to be battling with PCOS for - forever! Instead, just to think I can do this TODAY, and that's what matters. Me dealing with taking these shots is a small scale - but still if I think, can I do this today? and the answer is yes. Then I have done well. If you try to look too far into the future and worrying about what that will bring, or what you will face, you are bound to get stressed out and hopeless.

So, starting today - I am going to concur this one day at a time!

Hopefully the last one

Tonight was hopefully the last shot I have to do...
and I had a breakdown. I haven't cried like that since our miscarriage. I don't even know what got into me. I really felt like this cycle wasn't working. The last time I did these Menopur shots, I felt so crampy and bloated by day 5. That was when I had 2 big follicles. This time around I haven't felt anything, it is a bit discouraging.

So, tonight I just let everything build up and pour out. The Mr. just held me and let me cry. I am just feeling helpless... it is so frustrating dealing with infertility. It makes trying to have a baby so mechanical. Part of me kind of feels like the rest of the world just have stopped too - since we can't have a baby right now I feel like no one else should be able to either. Selfish, I know. I just can't help it.

I just finished my shot. It is getting easier. Tomorrow morning I have an appointment. I have been praying that things go smoothly. Yesterday I was at such peace with this cycle, and today I am completely upside down about it. We'll see how things go tomorrow.

Getting better

Last night wasn't as bad. I just get so nervous thinking about the shots! I did it all by myself though :) Hopefully I won't have to go through another round!

I am feeling a peace about this cycle. (ask me during the 2 week wait if I am still at "peace") but for now I truly feel God's presence in this. I have stayed in a somewhat constant prayer with God. Not just about me/my infertility, but also my friends and family and others that I know need prayer. I know that God's work is being done, and I am okay with whatever path He takes me down. I desire that path to end with a healthy child of our own, but I know that I am learning to just "let go, and let God" and everything will work out perfectly.

Yesterday in church, our pastor preached about parenting. While I know that some that are going through infertility could have had a hard time with this - I really feel like I learned something. I want sooo bad to be a good, christain mom. I yearn for the chance to teach my child about Jesus. The message was just about loving your children, set boundaries but love them in the process. I can't wait to be able to put that message to my life!

Trying again!

I started my injections last night. They didn't go so well. I got myself really worked up and nervous before I gave myself the shot. It took me forever just to stick myself... then once I did, my hand was shaking so bad that I couldn't even push it in! I had to call The Mr. to come do it for me. Not good. I have got to get over this! Hopefully tonight will be better. I don't even know why I get so nervous! It stings (just like a regular shot) but it really isn't that bad! I will try again tonight.

Nervous

I start my injections again tomorrow night, and I have to admit- I am pretty nervous about it. Last time I did really well the first night. I thought, "piece of cake!" Then the second night, I think I went too low because good golly it hurt sooo bad! And it left a bruise! I think that made me more scared to do it. After that night everytime I would go to stick myself I would hesitate!

I keep telling myself it will be soo worth it! And it looks like that is my "answer" on how to get myself ovulating. I must think positive! This is going to be it! :)

Got the meds

My lovely injections came in the mail yesterday. I already had a box, but the nurse said she would go ahead and order 3 more boxes of Menopur "just in case" and I needed another Orvidrel shot. Hopefully I won't need all of the Menopur. I have been a lot more reserved about telling people what's going on this time around. It isn't even that I'm not trying to - I just am not wanting to. It is no longer "fun" and "exciting". Before it was so exciting to be starting something new that would hopefully work. Now I feel like it is just what has to be done. Don't get me wrong - I am still excited to be getting the ball rolling again. But it just doesn't feel worthy of making a big huge deal.

I feel much more guarded. I have a feeling that I will feel like this until I am in the hospital holding our beautiful, healthy baby. God is so great, and He has definitely provided me with strength and peace about the situation. I start the injections on Saturday night. The only problem? We are going over to a friends house for dinner. And The Mr. has decided that he doesn't want to know everything (unless I need to talk to someone). It really is a lot of pressure to do the injections, do the trigger shot, then say okay tonights the night - it's now or in a month... So, I figure I'll just have to do it early, before we leave.

I almost wish I could just start tonight, just so I can stop thinking about when I'm going to start!

The next step

I just got a call from the doctor. The cyst they saw was just the big follicle going back down. Didn't ovulate on my own... kinda figured. So....... I start back with the injections on Saturday. Same as before. One shot of the Menopur every night. Then I go back to them next Thursday morning to see what's going on in there!

I am excited to get the ball rolling again! I pray that God leads us down the path that He wants us on - and I also pray for a healthy, full-term baby!

My appointment!

Yesterday I called to make an appointment with my RE. The nurse on the phone said that we should wait until I started my period before I came in - so they could start a "fresh cycle". Well, Ms. Nurse... I haven't started my period without drugs since I was 15! So she said, Oh in that case how's tomorrow morning? Haha!

So this morning, bright and early, I went in to have the normal: bloodwork and ultrasound. It is amazing how comfortable I am with these ultrasounds now... Anyway, they did the ultrasound and she said, Girl I think you ovulated. Huh??? Or else it is just leftover from the enormous follicle I had last month. She said my bloodwork would confirm which it was.

If I did ovulate - then we would just wait until I started a period (or see if I was pregnant! please, o please!!) but if it was just a follicle dissipating, then I could start the lovely injections right away.

The doctor actually came in too - most of the time I don't even see him. He just wanted to see if I had any questions/concerns. He said that I am "past the hump" because I did get pregnant - and that is HUGE! I just have to keep reminding myself that I can get pregnant... now I just have to stay that way! He said that this was a "great prognosis", so that made me feel better too.

Now I am just waiting on the phone call with instructions on the next step!

A bit of a vent...

I am so frustrated!! I can't help it. The more I think about my "syndrome" the more frustrated I get! I should just be thankful that I got pregnant on the FIRST egg that I have ovulated in over 10 years! But at the same time, it frustrates me that it is soo hard to get me to ovulate. I almost laugh when I look back at how naive I was when I first got off the pill! It was supposed to be easy! I hate this!

I look at some moms out there that didn't even want kids, or have kids and don't take care of them! What the heck?! Why is it that 2 loving people that WANT children just can't have them?! On top of that, when I look at ways to increase ovulation in people with PCOS - do you know what the solution is? Loose weight. Well, I am 5'2 and weight 110 pounds. So, um, no, that won't be happenin.

One day I feel like - I'm over it, I am fine and dandy and it will happen when it is supposed to. Then other days (today) I feel like - This is NEVER going to happen and I want it to SO bad!

....Deep breath.... and now I feel guilty for even thinking that way at all! I just want to curl up in bed and sleep away the day. I know a girl that is 25 that is battling breast cancer right now, I have a cousin that is battling seizures, there are people at The Mr.'s job that are dealing with death, I should be SO thankful for what I DO have. and I am. I truly am blessed.

Still waiting

So, I am still patiently waiting. I am not supposed to call to make another appointment with my RE until mid-late August. Since I actually miscarried on July 21, I figured next week I'll give them a call. I am getting a little impatient.

I am still on Metformin, they told me to stay on this all the way through some of my pregnancy. I am kinda hanging on some hope of that making me ovulate. I have read that in some women that's all it takes. I really, really hate doing the shots! If that's what I have to do, obviously I will, but if I could just cycle on my own, that would be wonderful!! I just have to put faith in God and know that He will do what's best for me.

Since I haven't ovulated since I was 15/16 years old, I really have no clue what signs to even look for IF I did cycle on my own.

Just one more week of waiting...

Giving thanks

I was doing my bible study last night and I came across this verse:

"give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

- 1 Thessalonians 5:18

It really made me stop and think. God made me infertile for a reason, He knew I would concieve and have a miscarriage, and He knows what will happen next. I was SO sad, and mad, and I didn't know how to deal with the rollar coaster of excitment followed by the extreme downfall. Reading this put things into perspective for me. "Give thanks in all circumstances", that means the good and the bad. God has a way of glorifing himself through all situations.

In thinking this way, I noticed that because of our miscarriage we opened ourselves up to our family and our church family. After doing this I found out that one of my sister-in-laws has had a miscarriage, a cousin has had one, a couple of my sister-in-laws have struggled with infertility (both which have biological children now)... and we were brought closer to a couple in our Sunday school class that is going through infertility. I would probably never have known this if we didn't open up about our situation. I have felt overwhelming support from everyone that we have told.

So, I give thanks to God for infertility and all the bumps along the way. I truly believe that The Mr. and I are going to be blessed with children of our own. I pray that God helps me see His path through all of this and to not get frusturated or angry.

Normal?

I think things are kinda back to normal now. I can still get sad about it, but I would rather look forward. The Dr said to call back mid to end of August and that's when I can go back in. I wish I could just get started again right now.