Counting down days

Two more days until I go in for my appointment. It is sooo hard not to wish away your days, looking forward to something else!

I have been feeling a little crampy lately. That's good right? That means there is something going on in there! I am soo hoping that there are some follicles big enough to trigger! The Mr. has a thing for work this weekend. He'll be gone from Friday until Sunday. So... if I did trigger Thursday night, I already told him to be prepared to have to come home either Friday night or Saturday at some point! Thankfully he can. So, that's one less thing to stress over!

Last night I had a really hard time with the injections. I don't know why... I've been doing pretty well with them. I think I got too cocky :) I always try to do it in around the same spot every night, I guess because I know it doesn't hurt there. I have done it too low before, and it hurt so freakin bad! So, now I have a small bruise on the right side of my stomach... it was that sides turn and I couldn't decide where to do it without doing it right on the bruise! Crazy, I know. I put WAAAYY too much thought into it! So (after like 30 min. in the bathroom - seriously) I ended up doing it on the other side again.

Only 2 more nights and then my appointment. That's what I keep saying! There is so much waiting with infertility!

"Be still, and know that I am God..." (Psalm 46:10)

Sunday afternoon

Well ICLW is coming to an end. I really enjoy getting to know of you ladies! It is so comforting to know that I am not alone. I hope some of you stop back by :) I am ending the week the same way I began it... waiting... Only this time I am waiting for my doctors appointment on Thursday, for them to hopefully tell me it's time to trigger!

As far as my injections go - I only have 1 bruise so far, so that's good, right?! I am amazed at how comfortable I am now with them. I am supposed to be getting another shipment in the mail on Tuesday. I am not feeling much cramping but I do feel pretty fat. Like I can't suck in my tummy. I guess that's a good sign. We shall see!

Hope everyone had a great weekend.

So it begins (again)...

The nurse called yesterday afternoon and said that everything looked good to start the injections again. The doctor actually did up my dose. I am going to be taking 1 1/2 vials (which is 112 IU) last night and tonight, then I will just do the 1 vial (75 IU) for the next 4 days, and I will go back to the doctor next Thursday.

I did the first injection last night. It hurt, I'm not even going to lie! I don't know if it was because it was more concentrated, or because I forgot since last month how they felt. But it definitely hurt. It's funny though - because I know tonight when I do it again, I won't think of the pain, I'll just think of what this could (hopefully!!) result in!

I went on a walk with a friend yesterday... this girl has 3 kids, and has had exactly 0 problems having them. It makes me sad, but at the same time I have to look at the positives (if I don't I would go into serious depression!) They got pregnant while they were still in college - they were completely broke. She thought they would have to put the baby up for adoption because she couldn't see how they would manage! The Mr. and I have "planned" when to start trying for a baby. So before I even got off the pill, (ha! what a joke, right?!) we were ready financially for a child. Since it hasn't happened, we have just been saving the whole time. It is very comforting to know we have a nest egg for when we DO get pregnant.

I just keep faith that we will have a baby, and when we do it will be in God's perfect time! And we will be able to look back on everything and say, See that's why everything happened the way it did!

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (Philippians 4:6)

My appointment

Well I had my RE appointment this morning. They did an ultrasound and saw that my follicles have gone down! YAY! There is one on my right ovary (about 15mm). I have always had one that just floats (?) around in there. It isn't attached to my ovary, so the doctor isn't worried about it. Sometimes it looks like it's on my ovary, sometimes it isn't... kinda weird, huh? Anyway, that's the only one they saw.

The doctor actually came in and talked to me too. (Is it this way for any of you? Most of the time I go in and the nurse does my bloodwork and ultrasound, then they call me later that afternoon and let me know what the dr said. On rare occasions the doctor actually comes in and talks with me. So, today he did.) He said that since my last cycle took about 13 days of injections before I was ready for the trigger, he might up my dosage of Menopur. He is very conscious of not wanting me to over-stimulate, so he would have me come back next week if that's what we do. I am hoping that I can do the upped dosage so that my cycle is shorter :)

I am ready to get this started again!! I am thinking positive - it will work this time! (If only that's all it took) I am just waiting to get the call from the nurse with my instructions.

But if we hope for what is still unseen by us, we wait for it with patience and composure. (Romans 8:25)

The Mr.

What can I say about my husband? He is seriously the most wonderful, loving, handsome, perfect guy on earth :) He has been so wonderful through everything - all the doctors appointments, venting, crying, medicines, everything.

The Mr. has been "in" on everything that has gone on. I go to the doctor, and he is the first person I call to tell what happened, what was said, and what the next step is. My last full cycle (in June) he even sat by me when I gave myself the injections. Once I had my follicles and did my trigger shot, he was the first person I shouted to - Tonight's the night!! We have to do it!! (obviously, who else would I shout that too???) When I got the call that I was pregnant, I couldn't even wait to do a big surprise for him, I called him right after I hung up from the nurse. When I got the call that I was going to miscarry, again I called him right after I hung up from the nurse...

After our miscarriage, I had to wait a month before I could make another appointment. During this time, the Mr. and I had a lot of long, deep conversations. Knowing that there wasn't anything we really could have done differently, The Mr. decided that he would rather be in the dark about everything. I think he felt the pressure of me saying "Tonight's the night..." Understandable. So this last cycle (that just ended last week) I kept everything to myself. If it came up, I would tell him things (like why I was leaving the house so early - to go to the doctor).

I also have become more withdrawn in talking with other people. I only had a couple good friends that I would share everything with. Since the miscarriage, I feel more vulnerable, and feel the need to protect (?) myself more... does that even make sense? I let my family know what was going on and our Sunday School class - but I don't let them know the specifics (i.e. drs appointments, medication I'm on, dates of anything...)

I use this blog to vent and also to keep track of where I've been and where I'm going with everything. I am so happy that I am participating in ICLW! I love hearing other's stories and I love knowing that there are others like me out there. I appreciate everyone's comments and am doing my best to make comments on others :) I am okay with not filling in the Mr. with the specifics because I can come here and let it all out! Thanks ladies for sharing such personal information, you never know who will read it, and who it will encourage!

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. (1 John 4:7)

Peace out

It is truly amazing how much peace I feel about my IF right now. I think I could easily allow myself to become obsessed and stressed over the situation. But really... I have absolutely no control over it! Normally this would freak me out (I am a planner... see below!) but knowing that God is the one that is in control gives me such peace!

This does not mean that I don't get sad over it. I just read a blog, this woman just gave birth and she wrote about her birth story. Now, I am not one to be bitter about other women getting pregnant or anything, but I can't help but feel the tug at my heart. It is the most beautiful miracle - a child being born, and I pray that God allow me to experience this too.

I am really hoping that when I go into my doctors appointment on Thursday that my follicles will have gone down. Wonder why they don't? My bloodwork was baseline, so shouldn't they just go away?! I am sure it has something to do with my PCOS. Fun times. Since I have nothing to do after work today or tomorrow, Thursday morning seems like it will take forever to get here!

I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. (Psalm 40:1)

ICLW: September

I have never participated in ICLW before! This is exciting!

A little about me:

- Believer in Jesus Christ
- 27
- Married to the most wonderful man!!
- Have a sweet dog!
- Been trying to get pregnant since August 2008
- Have PCOS
- Had a miscarriage a couple months ago
- Found out that Metformin and Menopur (injections) work for me
- Am a planner!
- Mostly positive :)

Um.... that's all I can think of right now! Our journey is on the sidebar to the right.

Currently I am on CD5 - I am supposed to go back to the doctor on Thursday for another ultrasound and more bloodwork. Hopefully they will tell me to start the injections so we can begin again!

Thanks for stopping by! I look forward to hearing your stories!

TGIF!

The nurse called me yesterday after my appointment to tell me my next step. She said all my bloodwork was baseline, so I do not need to be on birth control pills. But the Doctor wanted to see those follicles go down more before I started another cycle of injections. So, I go back in next Thursday. Wonder why my follicles insist on sticking around? I'll have to google that...

I am thankful for this cycle. This is the first cycle I've had (since I was at least 15 or 16) that has been complete. I ovulated, and I got my period. It hurt like hell, I'm not even gonna lie! Even this morning I woke up at 1:00 a.m. with major cramping! I just kept moaning, and accidentally woke the Mr. up too! They have pretty much gone away now, but I am exhaused from not getting a good night sleep the past 2 nights!

Tonight the Mr. and I are going to have a date night. Nothing fancy, just going out to dinner. And guess what? I'm going to have a glass of wine :)

If we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. (Romans 8:25)

CD1

Yep, this morning at about 4:00 a.m. I started my period. It is soooo indescribably painful! Therefore, I've been up since 4 this morning. Not fun.

I already had my 2 week appointment set up for 7:45 this morning. I wasn't sure if they would still want to see me since I had started, but yep they said come on in. So I figured they would just do bloodwork. Then I figured I'd have to come back for an ultrasound. Nope. They did the ultrasound too. Not very comfortable!

The nurse saw all of my follicles just hanging out. I don't know why mine don't seem to go away after I ovulate! So, I may have to get on birth control to minimize those. They will call me this afternoon to let me know my next step.

I pretty much knew this cycle didn't work. I feel like I am okay with everything (besides these horrific cramps causing me pain!) I am ready to start again! Bring on the injections!!

Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall. (Psalm 55:22)

God is in control!

This past weekend was so great! I always love not having anything planned, and it just being me and the Mr. hanging out doing whatever! It was very relaxing! And I made some homemade bread, which was delicious!

So, today I have just been feeling sad. Don't know why. Just sad. I feel like I could just cry. I don't know if it is just on the surface - the weather is gross outside, I should be about to start my period.... or if it is deeper - I am worried I will never get pregnant, I am scared of what the future holds...

The Mr. and I have had talks over the past few months about moving. Niether of us are from Alabama, we don't have family here, we didn't have friends here before we moved. We literally just packed up our stuff and moved. (It's a long story!) But we have come to love this area! I think we have grown together and spiritually here. Long-term though, we really want to live closer to family. Majority of his are in DC, and mine is in North Carolina. With the Mr.'s job, he will probably be able to transfer after the first of the year. This makes me soooo excited!

Anyway, we just don't know what our future holds right now. I know that NO one does, but there are a lot of "if's" in ours. I find that I try so hard to control the situation.

I know that this cycle didn't work. I have to call tomorrow to set up an appointment. I find that I am somewhat "okay" with this. I really feel like God will make us parents! It will just come in His perfect time. I just need to pray for patience. And I need to learn to let go - knowing that God will take care of things!

"Many are the plans in a man's heart but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." (Proverbs 19:21)

Ups and Downs

Well I am going through a lot of ups and downs with my emotions. Infertility is so hard!

On Wednesday night I met with a girl from church. We do a woman's bible study together and in that class we have prayer partners. She has been mine for the past week and a half. We just chatted about everything. She asked me all about PCOS and infertility and what the Mr. and I are going through. I am very open to people when they ask. - Actually I am very open in a SMALL group of 1 or 2 people, not-so-much in a large crowd. - She asked me if I was really okay with everything, or if I disassociated myself with the situation, because I was so freely talking about everything. Good question. I was so confident that I was "fine" with it. But when I really think about the situation, I don't know if I am so "fine". I am definitely sad, and I often wonder how much longer we will have to wait.

I know that God is in control and I take comfort in that. It is almost a relief that I am not in charge (and I am definitely an "in charge" kinda person).

Anyway, I felt very refreshed when I left her house, I felt comforted, I felt prayed for, I felt the presence of God.

Then yesterday afternoon, I got a call from another girl at church. She wanted to call to tell me she was pregnant. I told her how happy I am for her - and I am. She said she had a really heavy heart about me and how to tell me, and so on. I told her, that I hated that she even had such feelings about it when it is such an exciting time! She reassured me that she was still praying hard for us, and I am glad she told me.

I jumped in the shower and cried.

Not because she is pregnant. I truly am happy for them. But because I am not. I don't think this cycle worked. That means another round of injections. Another month to go by. And through it all I STILL have PCOS. It isn't going away. I will forever have this, and that is a hard thing for me to take in.

So, I am having a down day today. I told myself last night that it is okay to be sad. But I can't help but think that being sad means I am weak, and it makes me feel like I don't trust God. I prayed so hard that God would comfort me - just reach down and wrap me up in His loving arms. I pray that He will show himself to me in my dreams, just to reassure me that He is there.

I am having absolutely no signs of pregnancy. I still have another week before I go back to the doctor. I just want to cover myself in prayer right now. I want to feel the peace and contentment I felt just a few days ago.

"Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. Morning by morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; morning by morning I lay my requests before you and I wait in expectation." -(Ps. 5:2-3)

Not much new

There isn't anything going on here. The Mr. and I got back from out of town. We had a GREAT time! It was so nice to see the family. It was also really nice to just get away!

So I did my trigger shot last Thursday... then on Saturday morning to early afternoon I had the worst cramps!!! Maybe I ovulated on that day??? The last time (I compare everything to last time - because last time worked!!) I didn't have any pains of O but I am guessing that is what it was. I had follicles on both sides this time, and the cramps were mainly on my left side.

Anyway - I am trying to notice symptoms :) I know it is wayyy too early, but I just can't help it. Again - last time - I never got sore breast, but I got sore nipples. My nipples have been sore the past couple days, but of course, today they aren't. I tend to over-analyze things. Don't we all in this situation?! Is that a cramp? I am feeling a little nauseous! Do I feel a twinge? Is that smell making me sick? I think I am starting to crave pickles and peanut butter! ETC.......
It can easily take over!

I don't know what "day" I'm on right now. I don't know if I'm supposed to count from my trigger day, or the day I *think* I ovulated. So I'm either 6 dpo or I'm 4 dpo. Either way, I am going to try not to buy a pregnancy test, I'm just going to start my period or let the doctor tell me.

Here we go

Well The Mr. and I are headed out of town for a long weekend! I am so excited! We are going to see my parents - it is much needed! I haven't seen them since before our miscarriage. I am hoping for a relaxing weekend!

I triggered last night, and today I am feeling very crampy! Maybe ovulation?! Last time I didn't feel anything different, and obviously I ovulated. So... I am assuming I am ovulating now. The Ovidrel is supposed to make you ovulate anywhere from 24 to 48 hours after injection.

I am feeling really good about this cycle. I have all my trust in God and WHATEVER the outcome, I know that I have truly given it to God. When we get back (on Tuesday) I will be almost half-way finished with the two week wait!

Missed a pill?

I was instructed a few months back to take my Metformin at night - 2 pills at night. My routine is to have the pill bottle sitting out next to our stove (under the cabinet I keep it in). This way when I am putting away my dishes from dinner, I will see the pills and remember to take them. After I take them I put them away (in the cabinet) so I will know I took them.

Well, last night I was on the phone. I am pretty sure I remember taking those big pills... but... I didn't put them back in the cabinet. So right before I went to bed, I noticed that the pill bottle was still out. Did I take them? Do I still need to take them? What do I do? I googled. I came to the conclusion that it was better that I miss them than double up on them. So I didn't take them (again?)

Now, I am worried. What if this cycle doesn't work. Will it be because I MIGHT have forgotten to take the pills one night? *sigh* What's a girl to do?

I take comfort in knowing that the Metformin alone has not made me ovulate. So I really don't know what the heck it is doing. Except maybe upsetting my tummy. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.

Tonight I am triggering!!! Woo hoo!

End in sight

I had ANOTHER appointment this morning. In the ultrasound the nurse said that everything, "looked soo good!" I had about 4 follicles, 22mm, 16mm, 13mm, and 12mm that she said were the ones to watch. She called a little bit ago and said to do one more Menopur shot tonight, then tomorrow night do my Orvidrel trigger shot! Yay!!!

So... I should be ovulating within the next 3 days or so. And then it is the 2 week wait. (Though it seems like it is much longer than 2 weeks...)

I am totally feeling God's presence in this. I always say a prayer in my car before I go into the doctors appointments, then I say one after I leave. Today's wasy "Yessss! Thank you!" because I just felt different. I knew that I was probably going to be able to trigger soon. God is so amazing, and He really has a way of letting himself be known. I really pray that this is it!!! but if it isn't, then I just pray that He will continue to comfort me and I know I'll get through it.

Isn't it amazing how sometimes you can feel closer to God through the trials in your life?